Visitor's Weekend

This weekend I had my fist visitors to the Small Town, the first from people who are not relatives of mine or had any other reason to be here. That’s BIG! We even went out to one of the local restaurants/bars/night clubs. A very interesting experience both for my friends and for me! One of my friends also grew up in a small place and is hence used to small towns, but he completely agreed with me that The Small Town seems to be particular backward. Finally some confirmation!!

They came here to play golf together with me at the club here and that was great! Really good fun! That means that I did my first 18-holes rounds this weekend, one yesterday and one today. Ok, I can not say I scored so many points, to be honest today I played really bad. But still, on the whole of it, it was great fun and I got inspired to practise more. I realise though that two 18-holes rounds make you really tired and I feel rather sore all over my body right now. Would love some spa treatment!! Jacuzzi and a massage!!! Lovely!!

Olympics from a different Angle

Well, then the Olympic Games in Beijing is over. It is obviously the least successful Swedish game since Saint Louis 1904, where we did not even participate… Still I feel a little bit proud myself, as I guessed we would get five medals and five we got! I was during a discussion with some friends from various nations, the day after the opening, when we were discussing how many medals our respective countries would take. My friends were rather surprised and disbelieving when I answered only five, but I insisted. So, I guess I was right! (Seppi and Wouti, I hope you remember and can confirm! :-) )

Maybe most other Swedes believed Sweden would get more, only because they follow the sports in the media, which I don’t. Somehow Swedish sports journalists always praise the athletes overwhelmingly in advance. It is, however, very interesting to see the reporting from the Olympics in different media and maybe most of all so in different countries’ media. The previous Olympics I was in Shanghai and hence was watching the reporting in Chinese TV. The Chinese state television CCTV only showed the sports where China had big chances of getting a medal, which of course were quite a few, but apparently almost exclusively the sports were no Swedes have a chance. So even though the Olympics in Athens were one of the best ever for Sweden I did not see one single Swedish medal being won. At the same time there was already then a big focus on this Olympics and the Chinese aim of making it a huge national success. Now, watching these games on Swedish TV I almost had the impression China did not get so many medals and that these games were not the great success the Chinese planned for. Not until I saw the statistics over won medals. Of course they were fabulously on top of the league. It is only a matter of focus. Swedish TV probably spent more time reporting from quarter- and semi-finals, were some Swede MIGHT have a chance to advance, than reporting about another Chinese gold in diving, gymnastics or synchronised swimming. Well, it is indeed all a matter of point of view.

Autumn and Champagne?!

It is amazing how fast the summer ended! Ok, I am normally the one who strongly stress that at least August is also a summer-month, but this year the weather changed so quickly that it almost already feels like autumn. Very depressing!!

I had a lovely holiday but it did not take long back at work for me to realise how very much I hate the place I have to live in. It is really bad! I have lived in many places and felt quite well everywhere, but here it just does not work! I have never hated a place this much. Or I don’t think I ever hated a place at all before. Unfortunately that makes it also harder to like my job although that is actually quite good.

So this autumn will basically be about getting out of here. First of all that of course means finding another job and another place to live. All suggestions and tips are welcome! But I also have another plan, to make things a little easier to deal with. I have decided that for every month, starting from now in August, that I have to live here, I will buy a bottle of champagne that I then will drink when celebrating my move from here. That is a true win-win-deal! If I move earlier I don’t get much champagne but I do get out of here sooner. If I have to stay longer than I would like to; I get more champagne! Good eh?

Useful Clichés?

A lesbian friend of mine is having some problems with her relation. That made me wonder what arguments homosexuals use when their relations do not work. I mean; they can hardly use the same old clichés to complain about “men” or “women” in general. I think every heterosexual man or woman who had problems with their relations have at some time complained about “typical male or typical female” behaviour and the problems these cause. The gays can hardly do that. Maybe that makes them see more to the individual and the unique problems of every relation?! I believe that should be a good ground for a relation. But on the other hand it gives you no cliché argument to hide behind, which might make the truth cruelly apparent.

Olympic Games

This far I have not followed the Olympic games very much at all. I did not even see the opening (as I then was lying on the beach on Mallorca at that time). However today they showed a short sequence from the opening on the news. It showed a little girl in a red dress and pigtails singing a song with a high and clear voice. But the news was that it was not the girl shown that was singing, she was just miming to another voice. The singer was another seven years old girl, who was considered too ugly to be represented on the opening.

At first I was upset to hear that and the news was presented with indignation. That a little girl is told she is too ugly to be shown. But after a while I started to rethink. Maybe it is just another sign of the same preset mind, that of the importance of beauty. And it might also be a sign of Swedish urge for equality; no one is better or worse than anyone else, especially not children.

Of course in an ideal world it should not matter what anyone looks like if the person has a unique talent, but on the other hand is it not more important and matters more to have a talent than just a pretty face? And is it so strange that you want to show a pretty façade when the whole world is looking? Can we not just see this as a combination of two talents? The one who can sing does the singing and the one who is cute gets in the picture. As long as the singer also gets the credit, and in this case the organiser admitted it, at least afterwards it is not so bad or…? And after all I believe that how you look or how you sing at the age of seven does not really say much about what you will look like or sound like as an adult, so why not just let the poor kids be what they are..

Back in office

It is amazing but it only took one single day back in the office to make me feel as if I had no holiday at all! After only one day I already feel tired, frustrated and irritated. Not good!! Of course it could also partly be because I did not get much sleep last night. Because of a delayed flight, that was already late, a missed airport bus and other things I barely got three hours of sleep. Therefore I was considering take the day off. In the end I did not, I just came a little late and wanted to make a soft start by leaving early. That did not work out at all! There was hardly anyone in the office but a very big and urgent caseload, so no soft start there!!

However, I will really try not to get back into the very negatively stressed feeling I have been having for quite some time at work. I will try to hang on to the good and creative feeling that at least was starting to build up the last days of my holiday, although I think I would honestly have needed at least one more week off to really get there. I will try to focus on what I like to do at work and what I am really good at (except spending money!) and what can me further and were I can achieve results. I will also try not to work very late everyday; there are other things to do too. First I will try to get some time to download the photos from this holiday, here or at picasa or facebook, so others can see them too, maybe I will also try to write something about my holiday and my travels here on the blog… and on my other blog, but that will have to be another day, now I really have to sleep to catch up for last night. Good night!

Back in office

It is amazing but it only took one single day back in the office to make me feel as if I had no holiday at all! After only one day I already feel tired, frustrated and irritated. Not good!! Of course it could also partly be because I did not get much sleep last night. Because of a delayed flight, that was already late, a missed airport bus and other things I barely got three hours of sleep. Therefore I was considering take the day off. In the end I did not, I just came a little late and wanted to make a soft start by leaving early. That did not work out at all! There was hardly anyone in the office but a very big and urgent caseload, so no soft start there!!

However, I will really try not to get back into the very negatively stressed feeling I have been having for quite some time at work. I will try to hang on to the good and creative feeling that at least was starting to build up the last days of my holiday, although I think I would honestly have needed at least one more week off to really get there. I will try to focus on what I like to do at work and what I am really good at (except spending money!) and what can me further and were I can achieve results. I will also try not to work very late everyday; there are other things to do too. First I will try to get some time to download the photos from this holiday, here or at picasa or facebook, so others can see them too, maybe I will also try to write something about my holiday and my travels here on the blog… but that will have to be another day, now I really have to sleep to catch up for last night. Good night!

Blogging holiday

I had actually planned to do some serious blogging on my holiday. As I hadn't made much plans I thought I would have lot of time to think great thoughts to share with you on my blog. But the weather has simply been too nice, there has been a lot of sunbathing, swimming and spending time outdoors, so now blogging at all. And very little of great thoughts!

This first part of the holiday has been the more family oriented part and I am now moving into the more party and friends oriented part. Feels good!! Will see if that part will produce more blogging material... although maybe not so much great thoughts either...

Holiday planning excercise

I don’t really know what to say about it, but I noticed that I have to make to-do-lists also for my holiday. It is a bit weird and I would prefer just to take it very easy and relax and do nothing, but it just doesn’t work. There are just too many things that I have planned or promised to do. Most of them nice though, but still; it takes some planning and organisation. Like helping to look after my sister’s horse during her holiday, turning out to look after the whole stable.

At least I have started to get out of the coma I felt I was in the last two weeks in the office before my leave. Now I feel I have more energy and get things done and maybe doing things, but other things, nice things is my way of relaxing. Today I went horseback riding, helped my mother preparing for her birthday, made four cakes, went jogging and played some golf. And I actually spent a couple of hours on the beach, so I relaxed too. Unfortunately I now have a very sore back, I don’t know if it is the golf, the horseback riding or the combination, but it is not very good.

Holiday at last!!

Finally finally holiday!!!

I beleive I have never longed this much for holiday! Unfortunately my colleagues reminded me of that I will be back in office on Monday 11 and not 18 as I first wrote in my out of office reply, which makes me feel as if though I have lost a week, but never mind; it will be sooo nice.

I am starting out with a weekend with party and social activities in Malmö and Copenhagen. Nice!!! Right now on the train. Can't even be bothered that we have over one hours delay. Just a bit annoyed that I had to bring my computer because my usual time optimism that made me think I would finish more that I did before I left the office, but never mind that either. At least that gives me the opportunity to write this.. :-)

A real Golfer?!

Ha! Today I managed to get my green card!!

No, not for working and living in the States, that would not interest me. But for playing golf!!

Ok, I believe my teacher was quite benevolent and kind to me, but it still proves that I can do good things if I put my mind to it. And that even on a day when I was not feeling well!! Now I will just have to practise and play a bit more so I get official handicap. But this really spurs my competitive mind much more than I ever thougth it would. Amazing!!

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust..

Today I wanted to give one of my potted plants a bigger pot and some new soil but at the supermarket they were out of pot-plant-soil. On the way to the supermarket I took a walk over the cemetary next to where I live and in the woods outside the cemetary I saw that they had a big pile of black soil, among some other stuff for gardening. As I actually really dislike planting and such things, but now had set my mind on doing it I would not let myself be stopped by the supermarket running out of stock, so I just walked back the same way and filled the new pot with some of the soil from the heap in the woods.

I know this is perfecly normal soil, but on the way back I could not help thinking about that it comes from the cemetary and could theoretically contain "remains" of humans (as I suppose any soil could!) and in this case Small Town People. The thought was rather scary and I started imagining up the scenario for a scary movie about plants coming to live and attacking... (any one remembers the Triffids??)

Good thing I did not use the soil for the plants I keep indoors, but only for the one at the balcony...

The Unvolontary Golfer

It is strange, but maybe I am actually on my way to turn into a golfer. Not that I know how to play or not even that I have managed to get my green card yet, but I think it got me. I have always thought it is a bit of a nerd sport and never have been able to understand how you can spent hour after hour trying to hit a ball with a stick, but strangely I have spent quite some time at the course the last couple of days and want to go there as soon as I can again. Now this is a matter of little choice; if I want to have that green card and not having wasted the money I will have to practise and as I haven’t done any of that this far I have to really get started now.

I have in my personality a rather tiresome combination of both being very impatient and very stubborn and I always thought that maybe my impatience would be an obstacle to learning golf, but it seems that golfing brings out more of the stubbornness than the impatience. I really want to see that little ball fly the way I want it to and just will not accept that it should be so very difficult. And then we you hit a nice shot you get so excited and like the feeling so much you just have to make another try, you feel sure the next one is also going to get good. Of course it is not, then you have to give it another go again,….. and there you go! Another hour just passed!

Getting too Old

I have to admit I believe I am getting old and conservative. I don’t want to have to learn how to use new technical gadgets!!

A while ago I bought a new mobile phone. I don’t know really why, because my old one is still working, but it has been showing some signs of tear and wear and at times was not really reliable so I guess that is why. But still, the new phone has been lying in its box, unopened for months. I just could not be bothered to take it into use as I knew all the settings and information in my old mobile would not be automatically transferred. However, this weekend I stayed at home to get things done that I have postponed for a long time and then I thought I’d just better take care of the phone thing too. Sooner or later my old mobile will die and then saving the information might be too late. So this morning I got started. Only to give up after a short while and put the sim-card back into my old mobile again. I could not copy all the contacts on the sim-card as it was full, and I could not get the ring-tone I wanted and all my listings in the calendar and photos and sms and other information of cause would not be transferred, so I basically gave up.

One thing, that of cause would have helped, would have been to synchronise it via the computer. Only, yesterday I noticed that the cd-drive of my laptop is not working, so I could not install the software for the mobile, as well as I could not install the software for the new digital camera I bought in Dubai. Ahhh!! I hope this does not mean I will have to buy a new laptop too!

I don’t want to have new technical gadgets!! I liked my old camera and would have liked to have it repaired instead of buying a new one, and I like my laptop and my old mobile, but often it costs more to have things like that repaired than buying new. I don’t like it! I know this is a definite sign of me getting old, but still; I don’t like it.

Small Town Summer Joke

The last couple of weeks our expat life in The Small Town has really intensified. There has been some activity every evening, there has been beach-volleyball, horseback riding, kayaking, go-carting, bbq:s, cocktails-and-Sex-and-the-City-movie-night etc etc. ( I passed on that one. I do like the series and will see the film at some point, but it felt very wrong to see the film in The Small Town, it being sooo far from everything in the movie!) It is nice of course, but it is still a bit absurd. Especially as there are no other people out except us..

The Small Town tries to market itself as a summer town and in a way it is, thanks to the lake and the beaches etc. But on the other hand it has not really understood what it takes to be an attractive summer town. A couple of days ago a colleague and I wanted to go down to one of the places where we can hangout and wanted to have a bite and a beer. Just to find out that the kitchen is closed whole July!! “Welcome back in August!”

How can they just close the kitchen!! And this place is also a hotel!! What can they offer their hotel guest?! Micro heated pre-fab quiche and lasagne... Disgrace!!

Good News!!

Can't help it but I got absolutely excited, thrilled and exuberant when they finally revealed the new organisation of my office. They are concentrating the activities and moving some units and departments and they are completely giving up the office in The Small Town!!!! That is so good!!!

All the politicians in The Small Town will be very upset and complain, but I am so happy and I think they don't deserve to have us there.

I have no idea where my unit will be or even if I will still be in the new organisation, but still things feel so much better. Now I know what to focus on and I know that on no account will I be living in The Small Town longer than to the end of this year!!

Obviously Alien

As far as I know it is not written all over my forehead that I am not from The Small Town, but it seems to be very obvious that I am not from here. Even when I go out in The Next Somewhat Bigger Town and meet someone I often get to hear as an opening phrase "you are not from here, are you?". Ok, I don't speak the dialect, but often I don't even have to say that much that people can tell, so I don't really know what it is.

What happened yesterday might not be so strange though, but it was still an interesting experience. Yesterday I managed to leave the office early enough to get down town before the shops close (i.e.18:00) and went to the watchmaker to have the battery changed in my clock. I also brought some wintercoats to bring to the dry cleaners. As I did not know where to find a laundry I asked at the watchmaker's. There were quite a few people there and they all looked at me and then one of the man said "Isn't he ill!?" and everyone looked at me as if I had asked when the next space-shuttle back to outer space leaves. Then they realised that it might not be common knowledge wether the laundry-person is ill or not and laughingly said "well this is a small town". Then they started to go on where it used to be "down by the traffic lights" and I started to wonder "what lights?" and "are there not more then one traffic light?". Then someone said "but isn't there one in XX-street?!" "No, he is dead" said another.

The conclusion was that there is no laundry in The Small Town. As one of the ladies said before I left; "well, as you see; we don't dry clean our clothes very often".

Then I felt it was about time to get out of the shop, I feelt like an alien again.

Missing Midsummer again

I am soon off to Afghanistan again. We will be leaving on Saturday (if all goes according to plan!) and be away for approx 10 days.

I am not too happy about it this time as it means I will be away over Midsummer. It will be the second year in a row that I don't get to celebrate Midsummer and that is sad as I find Midsummer being the best holiday of the year. We do have an invitation to join the embassy staff in Kabul for their celebration, but I am not sure we will be able to do that either. This was very badly planned!

Dead for The Small Town

I hate the Small Town!! And I hate and despise the people of The Small Town and I am not ashamed to say so!

Tonight was the fist game for Sweden in the European football championships and all of Sweden was quite excited. Therefore I and some of my colleagues decided to go out and watch the game in one of the two bars here that we knew would show the game. We thought this would be a nice thing, to do something social and to share something and some of us do not even have a TV. And as all of us come from other places in Sweden we thought this was quite a normal thing to do. In Stockholm I guess all the bars that have a TV were completely crowded. A couple of weeks ago I was in Stockholm when Chelsea and Manchester were playing the champions league, even then all the bars with a TV were full.

Guess what the scene was like in The fucking Small Town! There were ten persons in the bar! Me, my seven colleagues and two foreign hotel guests. Not one single local person!!! I am not saying that everyone have to go out and watch football in bars and drink beer. But not one single person!!! On the way home I passed the other bar and believe me; there were not more people. This town is so dead, dead, dead it only deserves to die properly!!

There is nothing more dead than this place on a Sunday; you will not even find a place to get a cup of coffee. But I thought football would if anything get them going, even if it is a Tuesday, but those boring small town people probably all sit at home in front of their flat sceen TV:s eating chips and getting fatter by the hour. Don’t blame us for not integrating and not trying to do our best. We are out there! We frequent those few public places available, although the food is terrible, the beer flat and expensive and the service non-existent, but there is no way we will meet the locals, even if we wanted to. As long as they do not invite us to share their couch potato life, we will continue to live separate lives. And I will be happy to do that!! I think I will already now start buying the champagne, so I will be sure to have enough to celebrate my move from this place.

Summer Blasphemy

I will now make my self guilty of committing blasphemy. I will say that I do not like the Swedish summer!

This is absolutely not accepted to say! All Swedes are supposed to love the Swedish summer as if it were religion. And I do love the Swedish summer! Maybe the problem is that I actually love it too much. I do love the long light summer nights, when it never gets dark. I like the sun and the warmth; I like spending time outdoor and love the more relaxed attitudes of the Swedes in summer. How could I but love all those things as I hate the darkness and the cold of the long boring winters?!

Maybe that is exactly the problem. I love it so much because I know what I have to deal with the rest of the year. What makes it a problem is that it is so precious and so short. The Swedish summer is, even when it is good, rather short, and too often it is not very good at all. Last year it was all rain and cold. So far this year it has been very warm and sunny and nice for weeks, but then immediately one fear that “this was it” this was all the summer we got, and I was working!! The shortness and unpredictability of the Swedish summer make it completely stressful. Every day that is sunny and warm that one do not use, which you don’t spend outside doing nice things is a lost day. And all those light summer nights make me stressed. They are so nice; I would like to stay awake and outside all night, but you just can not, you still have to get some sleep. It all just makes me stressed.

If one only could be sure that every summer had a certain number of nice days it would be easier to relax; now one has to live as if every nice day was the last one. Very stressful!! As I have always said; I find the change of seasons highly overestimated. I believe a climate like the Thai climate would suit me just fine. It is 30 degrees all year round, sometimes a little more rain and sometimes little less. And the sun rises at six every morning and sets at six in the evening. I think that would be perfect for me. Maybe it is just because my mood and my temperament is so volatile in itself that I don’t need any extra rupture caused by the climate…

Sneak reading my e-mail

I am kind of upset about the way that the different internet platforms sneak read my e-mails etc. I am referring to the directed marketing on the sites. I find it kind of ok that the ad here on the blog somehow reflect what I write about in the posts, it is kind of part of the deal. But what makes me upset is when the content of my e-mails obviously is scanned to direct advertisement to me on gmail. Just take a few examples: while planning the wedding of a friend and through e-mails discussing what gift to buy to the couple, I noticed that the ads all of a sudden where about wedding presents. Today I received an e-mail about a available apartment from a landlord where I have registered on a waiting list. Then I noticed ads about apartments, moving and furniture etc. As gmail and blogger are connected I even think they “cross read” their clients’ information. I suspect this because there also was an ad about rental apartments in Rome on my gmail account. I don’t really approve of this!! Although I feel quite sure this is done automatically, it feels like an infringement on my privacy.

My Poor Car

Having been away for a couple of days and having left the car at the same parking lot at the railway station as last time I was a bit worried someone would have done something to it again. But this time it was ok.
I managed to find someone who could help me get the paint off without having to repaint the whole door, so now my car looks fine again. But I don't want to have to do this every time I have been away now I don't trust this place at all anymore.

By the way, this week my car had the annually inspection, which she passed without any remarks. So she is now in excellent shape again.

Poor News Value

It is amazing what makes it to the news. And sometimes I can not help wondering who the hell is interested. I can understand that the US primaries are important in a way, but it has just been going on for ages. And it is not even the real election!! Who can be bothered to take an interest in it?! It has been on the news in Sweden for I don't know how long. Now hopefully it will soon come to an end, but then I suppose the race for the real election soon starts. I am glad I am not American and don't have to pay attention to it. If I was American I would most probably not have been bothered enough to vote. But then on the other hand one might get stuck with a president as Bush...

One other thing that is amazing about the Swedish news are the absolutely unimportant and irrelevant things that make it to the news. It becomes all the more apparant when you have been out of the country for a while. (not that the Italian tv-news are that much better, but still they have more channels and hence more of a choice). The first thing I saw when arriving at the airport was the headlines of the two tabloids. Ok they are tabloids and as such maybe not worse than others, but once they actually wrote about things that happen in the real world. Now they only seem to write about things that happen on TV. After not having had any Swedish news at all for over a week I was a little curious to know what had happende. But the one had a big fat headline about "what happened after" to some participants of a TV-program. The other wrote about a commedian and TV-celebrity who apparently had to "flee" the fans at some party after the Eurovision Song Contest. Such a pseudo world!!

Today on the TV-news there was a report on a communal landlord who wanted to close down some of the laundry rooms in some of their buildings (back again to one of my favourite topics!) against a small decrease in the rent. There was an interview with one of the tenants who was explaining what a disaster this was for her as a mother of two children, now she would have to walk out of her house and in to another building in the same area. That was just impossible. Ok, I can understand that it is a problem for her. But who the hell thougth this had any kind of news value for the rest of the nation!!!

Four Years again

I wonder if I am ever to really grow up!
Now I have a knee like a four years old again. I believe women my age should are not supposed to have wounds and scares all over their legs as I have. It makes it difficult to look very elegant and ladylike in a skirt! Normally I just complain about the scares and see them as a reminder of the past, but I do still scrub my knees every now and then too. Today I fell off my mountain bike when the pedal hit a stone and back I came all dirty, bruised and bleeding. It is not as bad as when I had been playing rugby though. And it was good fun to be biking through the woods.

I guess some of my eating habits also do not qualify for many adult points. When I got back from having been jogging for 6 km and biking for maybe 10 km, I ate a bag och chips and drank a beer. Maybe I should try to market that as my special fitness diet...

Welcome to The Small Town

Just had a fabulous week in Italy, but I will tell more about that later, and was not too happy about having to go back to The Small Town. I even jumped off the train in panic just two minutes before it should leave Sthlm on my way back, to stay on an extra hour and take a later train.
When I got off the train in TST I was at first happy and relieved to see that my car was still there and with no ticket, although it had been standing ten days on a seven days parking lot. When I came to the driver's side that changed however. Then I saw that some bastard had sprayed silver paint on the door. Damn bastards!! I got so pissed off!



This is what poor Smulan looked like when I came back from my holiday.

I can understand if kids growing up here get bored and frustraded and need to get it out somehow, but not on me or my belongings!! Of cause I know these things happens in other places too, but it would have been at least one argument in favour of small tonws if these kind of things did not happen here.

By the way; while in Rome I learned that even the city of Rome is planning to remove all parking fees!! Think about that you greedy Small Town politicians!!!

Better Neighbours

One thing that improved since I moved to the new apartment is the neighbours. I did no dare to hope it would, even though it was really bad where I used to live and I thought it could not get much worse, but who knows… One of my colleagues live in the same house and same entrance where I live now and she said it was ok, but I was not really sure if I dared to trust here. But it is indeed much better. I got away from my pig-neighbour downstairs and his loud disgusting friends and I got away from the party crowd upstairs as well as the snotty, screaming and rude kids next door. Here I feel I can actually use my balcony!

Another good thing in the new house is that I have more immigrant neighbours here. I must say I do prefer to have immigrant neighbours, to have the Swedish riff raff small town people neighbours that are ubiquitous here. Today I met a very nice Muslim woman in the laundry room, who let me use one hour of her laundry time. Her Swedish was not perfect but she seemed happy to use it and she did very well. Above anything I prefer to live together with immigrants to living together with the Swedes who don’t like to live next to immigrants. I actually beleive that one of the main problems with The Small Town is that here are too few immigrants!

The Small Town people here are rude and socially unfit. They don’t say hello when you meet them, they just look the other way and pretend it is raining. And some say that is Big City behaviour!! Bullshit!! Just to take one example: Yesterday my parents visited me. On the way out of the apartment they walked ahead of me as I forgot something and had to go back. From the stair I heard they met someone at the door and that this person seemed polite and friendly and held the door for them. Immediately I knew it could not be one of the original small town people from this area and I actually guessed it was my upstairs colleague. And indeed. It was her!

Loosing My Temper?

I don’t think it is a secret that I have quite a hot temper and can get angry rather easily. But lately I have started to wonder whether I am starting loosing it, I mean staying cool and calm. For example today. It was a shitty day from the start. I had decided to stay in The Small Town this weekend but started to regret it already Thursday evening and it did not get any better. Saturday morning it was raining and very cold when I woke up. Anyway; I decided to try to do the best of the day and decided to go to IKEA to buy some stuff and organise my apartment. On my way to the next IKEA it started snowing. Ok, getting better… Of course the store was completely crowded and the stuff I was looking for was either not in store or did not look like I expected, so I was nearly walking out of the store empty handed, after two hours pushing around among families and couples with full carts. To avoid that I picked up some small things, among them a lamp that I had wanted to buy last time I was there, but then they did not have it, it basically is a big glass bowl, it is quite nice.
Walking out of the store I was pushing a cart and on that was the big IKEA paper bag with the lamp and some candles. Just outside the door, entering the rainy, windy, shitty weather; a strong wind came and swept the paper bag off the cart. With a crash it landed on the asphalt and the lamp was all in pieces, just out side the f…ing doors. This is a situation that normally would have made me very angry and upset, especially as I was both tired and hungry. But now I just picked the pieces up and threw them in the dust bin next to the door and walked to the car, with my vanilla scented candles (can not understand how come I bought them, I don’t like either perfumed candles or artificial vanilla scent!!). I could not really be bothered. I was really surprised at my own calmness!

Last Sunday I had another situation like this one, actually much worse, where I quite unexpectedly did not freak out. Everyone I told about it say they would have, even my mother!
It was when I came back from Stockholm late last Sunday evening. I was quite tired and only wanted to go to bed. Stepping into the kitchen I noticed I was stepping in water. It turned out the kitchen pipes seemed to have back fired and flushed sewer water over the whole kitchen. Thankfully it did not smell too bad, but there were small pieces of food all over and everything that had come in contact with the water was all greasy. I can tell you I was NOT happy, but I did not freak out. I just started to clean it all up. However I can assure you, that when I two hours later, thought I was finished and just wanted to put something in the top drawer, but then discovered that it, and all the other drawers also were full of water, then I was really close to freak out or at least on the verge of tears. Not that crying or freaking out would have helped in such a situation, but that never stopped me before. Now I just started the cleaning all over again. I did not even swear very much.

I don’t know how to interpret this, maybe I am getting wiser and more controlled. Or maybe I am just tired and getting used to shitty things happening.

Small Things Can Make All the Difference

It is funny how small things sometimes can make all the difference. The last couple of days the sun has been shining and it has been warm and you can feel summer is arriving, and all of a sudden life feels quite ok. Even in the small town! It is almost beautiful and the bicycle ride to the office is enjoyable.

Although I still feel it would have been even better to enjoy it in a city. The weekend in Copenhagen was really a hit! In every way! And also an example of that small things can make all the difference…

Growing up? Or becoming a nerd?

Yesterday I bought my own golf set. That was indeed with mixed emotions. I really think it is good fun learning to play golf and to be able to do that I need the equipment to practise and the set seemed very reasonably priced. What made me feel stupid and hesitant was the golf cart they made me buy with it. Ok I realise that the whole set, with bag and all and maybe an extra sweater, a bottle of water or what ever one might need to bring for 18 holes, will get very heavy to carry around, but still I would have preferred to have a bag to carry as I think the carts look corny and nerdy and only something for old men and ladies. I am still fighting conflicting feelings about golfing. At the same time that I feel it is a bit nerdy, I really think I will like it. That is hard!
But maybe golfing at least will make me earn some adult points….(if nothing else..)

For ever young?

I guess I am really not behaving my age. Not that this is anything new, but sometimes it gets more apparent. This weekend is one example. I had a great time in Copenhagen, partying really hard, hardly sleeping at all and spending far too much money. I guess that was not very mature and I for sure did not collect very many adult points, but it was great and I laughed a lot…and would love to go there again, soon.:-)

Today I got another proof. I decided to buy some curtains for my bedroom. Curtains are really not one of my priorities and I haven’t had any for quite some time. Honestly I can not even remember when I last bought curtains, if I ever have. But the window in my new bedroom is just opposite the next house and I don’t want to have the venetian blinds down all the time, and as there were already the fittings to hang curtains, I decided it was a good idea.

Then I realised that I have no idea how to arrange curtains and what one needs. I went to a shop here where I knew I would find someone who could help me. This someone turned out to be a guy in his early 20.s. I felt almost pathetic and so chaotic. The guy must have laughed at me and I wonder what he thought about me.

Although I bought them ready made and all the right equipment I had severe problem to get them up. Once finished I was almost disappointed. I got it all right though, and the curtains are quite alright, but I think I might just not like curtains…

My Normal Life

I think I have figured out what is my normal life; moving!!

I am moving again and while doing that it struck me that since 1999 I haven't lived longer than one year in one single place!! Often moved more than once a year. (And even before 1999 I had movet quite a few times). It is completely sick! I don't know what's wrong with me!! No wonder I am sick and tired of moving!!

And this statistics doesn't include the shorter periods (like a couple of months) that I have been working abroad, nor the periods that I basically did not live anywhere but stayed at friend's places. Maybe it is time to get my act (and my things) togehter?!

Summer Holiday Stress

Now I am approaching a problem that always comes up on me at this time of the year, and always because I don't have any long term planning of my life. That seems to be something I am just not able to do! The time has come to make the decisions on when to have summer holiday. My boss asked us to report before April 30. How the hell should I be able to know now when I want to have summer holiday?!? I have no idea what I will be doing this summer. How could I?!?! It is still months... I don't know what I do three weeks from now!!

What this will lead to in the end is that I hardly get any summer holiday at all as I get to choose from the days that are still available when all the others have made their choice. Not that it matters too much as I find it ok to work in the summer and then leave the country when it gets cold, dark and really shitty. But on the other hand, that was when I was living in places where I had friends outside work, with whom I could hang out on those light, warm summer nights in the city. Here might be a completely different thing...:-(

So; if there is anyone who still haven't made any plans for summer holiday and has suggestions that could include me, feel free to let me know! Or maybe even better; anyone up for a longer trip, far away in autumn or winter?? Then I can skip summer..;-)

Small Town Aliens

Since I stated taking golf lessons I have actually spoken to several REAL Small Town-people. I mean, people who actually come from here. Not that I would say I have made new friends her, but at least chatted to. This has made me even more aware of how distanced we are from the town. When people ask me where I live, of course I can answer, but I realise the town has districts and areas with names that none of us know about. When we talk about the place we describe it or have some explanations that make sense to us, but probably not to the locals. It is weird!!

Good day at work!

Some days I like my job more than other days. Today was such a day. In a different way. Got to spend most of the day outside in the sunny beautiful spring weather. Did some GPS-navigation and got to drive 4W Land Cruiser (and eat rations for lunch..). Was fun! I think I was the only one who managed to get the vehicle over the ditch without scratching the underside!!
On the other hand this day means I will have to spend some hours working tonight, but it was worth it!

A Good Try?!

Ha ha, today The Small Town was mentioned in the tv-news. In a positive matter. Today The Small Town had the second highest temperature in the country!!

Well, it might not be much, but don't say I don't try to find something positive about the place...

Oh, there is another good thing with living in a small town. I can cycle to the golf course from the office in less than 20 minutes!! Although the golf course of cause is a bit outside the town and even on exaclty the opposite side from my office!!

On the other side, it did not really help that the weather was nice today! After work I had an errand on town, after that I would have liked to do something, but there is absoulutely nothing to do. All the shops close at six, and after that there is absolutely NOTHING open, not even a café, and there are no people around. Still haven't figures out what people do here...

New Hobby?

Sometimes things happen fast. As today!

For quite some time I have been thinking about starting to play golf, but never got it going. Today I just called the local golf club as I beleive it is cheaper to start playing in The Small Town than in The City. I had checked their homepage first but it was not updated. When calling them the man said their course had just started.
- oh, that's a pity!
- how soon would you like to start?
- eh.., well..., as soon as possible I guess...
- what about today? Today is the first exercise(theory) on the course.
- eh..., well..., I guess today is as soon as possible, so... why not!!

I beleive that was a sign! So, today I had my first golf lesson!!
Cool!!

I've Found a Friend!!

I have found a friend!! In The Small Town!! And it is not a colleague!! And it is not in any way related to the previous posting!

Ok, it might not be as sensational as it sounds, as it is actually someone I know from before, but it is nevertheless very funny! I met with someone I worked with in Bangkok and who life brought here as well. Destiny certainly moves in mysterious ways!

The funny thing is that obviously we have been working out at the same gym the whole autumn and winter without recognising each other! Well, she thought I looked familiar and thought I might be me, but she just could not figure out what I would do in The Small Town. Not until a week ago, when I met with a friend I know from Bangkok and with whom I keep frequent contact, and she brought me to another of our colleagues from Bangkok who in turn knew that this first person also lives in The Small Town. With this piece of information we easily recognised each other when we met in the gym today! So funny!

Small Town Misery

I knew I should not have written that I had a nice weekend staying in The Small Town. It all hit back today.

Because of different reasons I will have to move the first of May. That is not so bad, as I never liked my apartment anyway, but still I have to find another one. Today I looked at two apartments. The first one was just depressing. It was small and dark and the house was rather run down and very close to the railway. The second one looked much better. It was bigger and lighter and completely newly renovated. But there was a reason for that. The landlord told me they had had some problems with the tenants in the house, but that they had now gotten rid of “most” of them and was ready to start anew with better tenants and therefore renovated the house all over. She also told me they would go over all the doors and fix them as well. All the doors had obvious marks from someone trying to break in! What worried me was the “most” of the bad tenants. How many are left? And how long will it take for all the junkie friends to understand their mates are not living in the house anymore?? No, that was not too inspiring!

On my way from the house I noticed a “Open” sign hanging from the other side of the house. So I understood that there had to be some kind of business in the basement. I had a little closer look to see what it was, maybe a hairdresser or something like that, but it looked very anonymous?! When I saw the sign on the window I read “Sex och Spex”. So, it seems to be a sex shop in the basement!! Great!!

Nice Weekend

I actually had a really nice weekend in The Small Town!! I am surprised!

But then again, thinking of it; I really did not spend that much time in The Small Town. Friday I went out for after work in The Next Somewhat Bigger Town, and stayed over night there. It was a very weird, but funny evening by the way...
On Saturday I went with the same and another friend to another somewath bigger town, nearby. But as that town is east of The Small Town we just passed here to leave my car here. The purpose of this trip was to visit a big golf store. I believe it was a step in the process of getting me to start playing golf...
Ok, Saturday evening I spent at home, but being quite tired from the evening before I just watched a film and then went to bed. Today I went back to The Next Somewhat Bigger Town to go to the cinema. A nice weekend.

April's Fool

Hmmm, did not get to fool anyone today, nor was I fooled or even heard a joke... Disappionting! I like to play some jokes on people. It simply was a too serious a day, meetings with people I don't know too well and then just not the right moment. Unfortunately, as this is a tradition I like...

Car worries

Coming back from Stockholm this evening and picking up my car that had been parked by the train station over the weekend, I discovered something worrying. I noticed that the speed meter on my car just did not work any more. It is worrying from two points of view. First; of course I will have to have it fixed. And I don’t like having to have things fixed on my car. I am convinced all such things will ruin my economy. Secondly this is nothing that I can postpone. I mean the car still works perfectly fine, but I know my self to well to let me drive without a working meter. Not that I always pay that much attention to it or the speed limits, but driving without it would probably render me drivers-licence-less in no time at all…

Life Sucks

Today there was another report on the wellbeing of the Swedish people presented on the morning news, or rather the not-well-being. This time a study confirmed that a big portion of the young adults (between 20-30 years)are not feeling well, they are depressed and suffer from anxeity etc etc. Not long ago there was another study about people with physical disabilities that showed how badly they felt and that their phsychological healt was also not that great. And just before that it was the elderly (10-15 percent of the above 65 are depressed), the young (15-20), before that pregnant women... I wonder if anyone is happy and feeling fine!! Maybe men between 40 and 65. Maybe it is their fault everyone else is feeling bad!? It's them that are in charge aren't they?!

Or is it just that we all have too high expectations on life? Or shall we just all agree on that life sucks?! Or is it just that we are actually doing so well we have the time to feel bad!? Or is it just bad journalism?!

Back to Normal Life?!

Back to Normal Life again!? And back to the small problems and annoyances of the developed world.
Came back to The Small Town only yesterday night, as I went straight from the airport to my parents’ place. I drove back with a close, childhood friend who is living in The Next Somewhat Bigger Town and she came up with me for a cup of tea and to watch some photos before she went home. After that I cleaned out my fridge and went out to buy some new food. It was quite late when I came back and I was pretty tired. So guess how happy I was to discover that obviously I hadn’t closed the door to the freezer properly before I left…. Great welcome home!!

The whole freezer was completely clogged with ice. There was no way around it but I had to start defrosting the freezer before I went to bed. As most of the time is just about waiting for the ice to melt (with some help from hot water) I started down loading some pictures from Afghanistan on my Travel blog. Somehow that got me captured and I continued doing that till 03.30. Very clever!! Just as I had almost overcome the jet lag…

Travel Worries

It might sound strange, but I actually worry more about going back to The Small Town than I ever did about going to Afghanistan. It became very obvious when we should leave Mazar. I felt I would much rather have stayed there than go back to The Small Town, especially as I was told that it was snowing. It is so horrible; I just can not understand how I can live there. I really do not want to go back!

My plan to delay the return by a stop over in Dubai does not really work out. That is so sad; I would really have needed a couple of relaxing days on my own on the beach or by the pool. The flights that I wanted to change my booking to were all booked out and changing the booking would cost 200 euros and not 100 as I thought, that might be a little too much for only two extra days, especially as hotels were quite expensive those days, as it is Easter, I suppose. 

N.B. I am not saying that the life in general would be better in Afghanistan than in The Small Town, by no means!! I am only saying that I can cope better with the life I would live here (or in any other place!) than with the life I live in The Small Town. And what I guess I am also saying is that I really have to do something about my “normal life”. At least getting a place where it feels like coming home to.

On the way!!

One day later than planned, and months later than due; I am actually on my way to Afghanistan now! The first stretch of the journey is behind me, I am in Copenhagen.

My proud ability to pack and travel lightly was completely wasted. I think I was quite good to only have 14 kg luggage for this kind of trip. Until someone came up with the idea that I should bring two flak jackets, they are 13 kgs each! So thats all for my effort. A nice smile saved me from paying overweight!! Good start!

If I have time to write from Afghanistan, which is not sure, you will find it on my Travel blog!

Busy skiiers!?

This weekend (Thursday to Sunday) I went skiing with a big group of colleagues. As we are over 20 persons out of office for two normal woking days some/most felt obliged to keep an eye on the mobile phone and the e-mail but we all somehow established that we are a bit pathetic. In my cottage where eight people are staying we togheter have 6 laptops with mobile internet connection and 15 mobile phones. On a skiing holiday!!! Pathetic or just a sign of the times...

Extremely Bad Timing

This time I really got more than i asked for, barely recovered from the sore throat and fever from last week, I now caught a cold. It is just so bad timing.
I had planned to go skiing with some colleagues this Thursday-Sunday. When the previously postponed trip to Afghanistan was planned with departure this Monday I started questioning whether that still was sensible or not. But since I can not plan everything in my life after that trip I decided to go anyway and have been working hard to get things ready on time. So therefore this cold came with very bad timing! Now I really don't know if I can go. On the other hand I think that is exactly what I would need right now; a couple of days off in nice company, with fresh air and some (light) physical exercise and a few days when I don't have to think of Afghanistan...

Laundry Room Fascism III

So, now I am back to one of my favourite topics to hate; the laundry room fascism. In the house where I live it is absolutely impossible for me to get my laundry done. I had booked the room two weeks ago, but then I was called to a meeting in Stockholm which meant I did not get back home in time. Therefore I took my dirty laundry and took it with me to my parents’ place and washed it there. Then I forgot to immediately make a new reservation and now I am completely screwed. The next time I can do my laundry seem to be in April!! Not that it is fully booked until then, but the next two weeks every evening is booked and my days are fully booked with meetings so I can not even choose to take time off from work to wash. Then after that I will most likely be away for two weeks, then it is Easter and then basically it is April!

Good that I am not good at getting rid of my clothes and now you see why I might need 11 pairs of jeans…

My Best Talent

I have suspected that for quite some time, but now I think I am sure. My best talent is probably to do nothing!!

The whole day today I have been at home and I have done absolutely nothing!! Ok, I have been working a bit, checking my e-mails, replying to them, read and commented on some documents and made some phone calls, but apart from that; nothing!! I haven't watched TV, I haven't read any books and really did not do much at all.

Ok, this morning I also spent some time on the phone waiting to get through at the doctors to make an appointment. And then I had to do something that I really didn't want to do today. My landlord had made an appointment with a presumptive tenant to have a look at the appartment and as I assumed I would not be here a Wednesday att 11 I thought that was an excellent idea. But now, having spent two days at home being sick and bored the appartment looked like a dump. So I really had to do an emergency clean up (do the dishes, vacuum clean, hang up some clotes, make the bed and take out the garbage)and as I really did not want to be here when they came I had to go out for a while. (If I would have been here it could very well have been an awkward situation. If the tenant to be asked me if I liked the appartment and if I had felt comfortable here I would have felt stupid to lie, but I don't think the landlord would have been happy if I had been honest!) But still I am amazed how easily a day can pass without noting happening! I am also amazed how we actually have time to work and do all those other things!!

My Best Man

Now, being at home and being sick, I have found a new friend. Well actually I think you could say we are a bit more than friends. We actually sleep together.
He is great! He keeps me warm when I am freezing and don't complain about being kicked out of bed when I get too hot. Well actually; at the moment I think he is better than any of the men I have slept with...

He might look Swiss, but is actually from Hamburg.




My hot water bottle!! ;-)

Wish came true

It is true; you should really be careful with what you wish because it may come true.

Some mornings when I really felt tired and really did not want to go to work I sometimes have wished that I would be a little ill. Just a little, not that I would be really ill of course, but just enough to stay in bed and have a day at home. But now I got what I wished for and it is not nice!

Yesterday I woke up with a sore throat, but it was not enough to make me stay at home, especially as the day was completely booked with meetings. But in the afternoon I felt really bad and went home earlier. Today I stayed at home. I have a fever and headache and a very soar throat. It is not that bad that I have to sleep the whole day, but still bad enough to really do anything. At the same time I feel I have loads to do at work and can not really relax and just enjoy watching bad tv and reading books. Instead I try to work a bit, keep checking my e-mails and get frustrated when I can not really take care of them properly because I am not in the office and I feel frustrated because my head feels dizzy and I get tired. But not tired enough to sleep. So here I am, bored and frustated. And I can hardly eat or drink as it feels like swallowing fire. Poor poor me!! :-)

Cleaning out the Closet... or not

My disability to clean out my closet and to get rid of old clothes is well known by now. Though I have noticed that cleaning out your closet and cleaning up among your friends have quite a few similarities….

As you go through live you meet a lot of different people and make a lot of different friends, but after while you can see that you have your own kind of “dressing style”. And exactly the same way as you would not wear all your different kinds of clothes at the same time, maybe you would not like to bring all your different friends together at the same time and place, but still there are probably some features that your friends/clothes have in common and others that would never make it into your closet or address book.

And exactly the same way that you can grow out of clothes you can grow out of some friends. Sometimes you get rid of the clothes and sometimes you keep them, although you never wear them any more. Maybe you just want to keep that beautiful dress or jacket only because you remember how much fun you had wearing it. The same way you keep some of your friends, although you never see each other anymore or maybe don’t even talk very often. It just feels good to know that they are there and to think of the good times you had together. Some maybe you actually should clean out. Others just disappear and you don’t even notice and don’t even remember, until something comes up, like an old photo or something and then you start thinking about what ever happened to her/him/that sweater/ those shoes, or maybe even thinking “who is that?” or “I can not remember ever having worn a polka dot dress!”.

Some friends are like a lovely, warm winter coat, you can always trust them to keep you warm and happy even if times get rough. Others are like an ill fitting piece of garment or an itchy wool sweater; you kind of like them for some reason but then there is something that just makes you have had enough after some wearing. As with clothes, some friends change with the time and wear and tear, some for the better and some for the worse. And whereas some friends are like your favourite velour home suite that fits you even when you feel fat, ugly, tired and your hair is unwashed, and that you love, no matter how worn, dirty and disgusting it gets, there are other friends that you will have to accept are more like a gala dress. It will only fit you and like you when you are already made up, your hair is styled and you are in a good party mood. Like there are fair weather clothes there are obviously also fair weather friends. If you are aware of that and don’t expect anything else, I think you can live with that and like them for what they are…

Out of Beat

Today at the gym I was attending a spinning class and as always when I am there I feel very odd and almost like an alien. Sometimes if I am there with a colleague it feels a little bit better, because then at least we are two who do not like the music, don’t understand the jokes, and can not comment on the same TV-programmes etc etc. But today it really struck me that I feel more different and strange here than I have ever done in any gym. I mean fitness training is pretty standardised and international; you don’t even really have to understand the language to be able to follow a class if it is something you have done before. I have been working out in many different gyms in many different countries but I do feel odder here than for example in Belgrade, where I didn’t even understand the language very well.

I and my colleague have sometimes been complaining about the choice of music, but after a while we gave up and realised that all the others seem to like to do the spinning to schlager music. For me it is a disaster. When I do spinning (or other exercises) it is all about beat and rhythm, I don’t give a damn about chorus or lyrics and I definitely don’t want to sing along. But here that seem to be the whole thing!!

A couple a weeks ago the leader enthusiastically reminded the class that it was only two more weeks until the whole Eurovision Song Contest national eliminations start; “then we will have many new songs!” she said smilingly. I almost freaked out. Not only because I don’t like that kind of music, but for spinning I think it is a disaster. Now she had obviously been to a fitness workshop in Stockholm and today she told us that “from all the songs we heard at the workshop I have only brought one to our programme and probably WE will not like it”. Already then I guessed that would be the song I would like the best. And yes! Without her telling us in advance which song it was, it was the piece I liked the most. Six minutes with no proper lyrics, just a steady, suggestive, perfect beat pushing you to give everything on the bike. Excellent! Afterwards she commented “yes I this was the song, maybe you did not like it?! Now the songs we know and like again” Oh, it makes me sooo tired!!

These things are mere details, that should not really matter, I know, but I just feel so different. When you feel you can not fit in even in those simple everyday situations it feels as you could just as well be from another planet.

A Sign

Was in Stockholm for a meeting today and it is just so good. Ok, the meeting was actually also good and whenever I am in Sthlm for any reason I try to see some of my friends, this time it was a friend who works abroad and who I hadn't seen in a long time, so that was great. But the best thing is almost still the things that happen without planning. Every time I am in Sthlm I just happen to run into people I know. Today I ran into two old colleagues, people that I really like and who make me happy. It felt so good to be reminded of that I used to have a life. And to meet people who know me from back then. I belive it is a sign...

My Time Came

After having been a fast driver for almost twenty years I have now finally gotten my first speeding ticket!

I noticed I was captured by a speed surveillance camera when I was driving from The Small Town to Stockholm just before Christmas. After having seen the flash I looked at the meter and saw I was driving just over 100 km/h on a stretch where the limit is 90. Hmmm not too good, but could have been worse, much worse…

As I had not heard anything from the police since then I thought/hoped that maybe the picture was of such low quality that it could not be used, I have heard that is quite common. But now I eventually received the letter, with a picture and a bill of 1500 SEK (160€)… Great! But I suppose I should not complain (although I for sure know of better ways to spend that money), the letter reported my registered speed to 96 km/h and I feel quite sure I was driving faster than that. Ok, I know that the meters are not always correct and often show a higher speed than the real one, but on the other hand I have read somewhere that the police have a margin of 6km/h on the cameras, meaning that if I really would have been driving 96 I probably wouldn’t have received a ticket at all. So I guess I should be grateful, kind of…

Sunday Walk in The Small Town

Today I took a walk in The Small Town. All the pictures are taken within a radiuos of one kilometer from where I live.





And you wonder why I am depressed and hate it..??!!

British niceties

Oh, I just love the British and their way to express themselves. They really have a way with words!

This Friday I for the first time met the consultant, who we recruited for the Afghanistan project and he is British. It was a very nice and constructive meeting and I felt very confident afterwards, as he seemed a very pleasant and competent person. Today I received an e-mail with some more information from him. In the mail he also thanked for the meeting and wrote some niceties about how nice it was to meet me and how much he looked forward to working with me. Added to that he wrote how impressed he was with my background and what strength that will be to the mission. Wow I was completely flabbergasted!! He impressed by my background!!! Says he, how really has all the background, competence and experience (working as a consultant for several international organisations and lecturing on three universities!!). I felt so inferior to him and really tried to say as little as possible about my previous (lack of) experience.

Of course I can see reasons for him to flatter me. He is an independent consultant, hired by “my” agency and as I am the representative for the agency he will be working most closely with and as he probably has an interest in working for us again he might see it fit to flatter me a little. But still, the way he expressed it felt as if he meant it and it felt good. I also need a boost to my confidence as this project will probably be the toughest thing I have ever done. I will have to act as if I am smart and know what I am doing…

I wish I could express myself that well in English too…

If Life was a Picnic

Today at our nice day at the ski slope we hade brought some very nice picnic (that is, my sister had brougth, I didn't), but normally I am not very much of a picnic kind of person. Not as long as I can not afford having a butler who prepares the meal and brings it out where I am going, sets the table with linen cloth, chandeliers, glass, china, cutlery and champagne. Then we can discuss it…

I have just never understood why going thru all the hassle of preparing food, packing it, carrying it, unpacking it before you can eat it. If you want to get out, I normally want to get started right away. Then someone always come up with the idea to bring food. Then it takes hell of a time to get going before all the sandwiches are ready, pies, cookies, salads, dinks and stuff. By the time it is all ready I have normally already lost interest (or the weather has gone bad!). Then you should carry the stuff around, find a place where it is not too hot, not too cold, not too sunny, not too windy, where there is something to sit on, where the grass is not too wet and where there are no ants or wasps, and you have a beautiful view, of course you never find a place like that! After having agreed on a place that does not make the majority too disappointed the unpacking of the food starts. Only to discover it has gone warm/cold/wet/mushy or you forgot something important. Having saved it from the ants and avoided swallowing too much sand and leaves that got stuck on your sandwiches you always have a lot of leftovers to carry back home as it never tastes as good as you thought. And back home you will throw it away anyway cause no one will ever want to eat it once back. No, picnics are generally a very much overestimated feature.

I much rather prefer going hiking the German way! Where ever you go in a popular hiking area you can be sure to find - at reasonable distance from each other – a nice little Gaststube or Bierstube, where you can have a nice meal warm food and a delicious cold beer.

A Good Choice

I had agreed to go with my sister and her family to a skiing resort nearby today. They had planned to go there and on the way they would pass The Small Town anyway, so I thought why not joining.

When my alarm went off at 6.30 this morning I rather thought “why the hell?”, it was very tempting to call and tell them I’d changed my mind and go back to sleep. But I managed to get up and get ready. Still it did not look very promising outside. It was very grey, dark and it was raining and hardly any snow. After approx one hour’s driving the clouds started to get a little thinner and the sun shone thru at times. When we arrived we found the slopes in a surprisingly good condition and the sun shone from an almost completely clear sky.

It turned out to be a really nice day. Ok, this skiing area is nothing like the Alps and not even very big for Swedish standards, and the snow was rather heavy and icy as it was a couple degrees above zero, but there was not much people, no waiting at the lifts and basically a very nice way to spend a Saturday without too much preparation, planning and organisation.

Going back, the weather only got worse and worse as we were approaching The Small Town. I guess there it had been grey, dark and rainy the whole day. It seems I did a good choice today.

Small Town Legislation

In The Small Town and surroundings it seems to be an obvious problem that people visiting bars and restaurants bring their drinks with them when they go to the restrooms. At least I have seen several sings on doors to the restrooms informing that it is not allowed to bring your glass to the restroom.

My favourite is this one:



The text says it is forbidden to bring your drink into the restroom, reffering to "the alcohol law on serving of alcoholic beverages". Fantastic!! I wonder where I can find that law!! I am not sure I want to know what they think people do with their drinks in the bathroom...

Wrong Choice?

I use to say "you never regret what you do, only what you don't do", but now I think I seriously start to regret my move to the Small Town. When I was offered this job I was offered another job as well and I had the somewhat absurd choice to choose between The Small Town or Dhaka...
I have been fighting the feeling of regret, telling myself regretting things won't change anything or make it better, but now I feel it is coming stronger and stronger and it is harder and harder to fight the feeling. I feel I am wasting my time here...

Good Job

This weekend I had one of those typical situations I sometimes end up in because of my stubbornness.

As I don’t spend many weekends here and it is hard for me to have things outside my work taken care of during the week, I had planned to do some of them this Saturday. (Sundays you can forget here as everything is mega closed!). One of the things was to have my bicycles fixed (because suddenly none of my two bikes were working!). Therefore I was very determined to get the two bikes into the trunk of my car. Now anyone who ever have tried tucking a bike into a car knows that can be rather tricky, then imagine one person alone trying to get two bikes into the trunk of a normal car. It is not exactly easy. They always tend to get mingled into each other and getting stuck or hitting the sides of the trunk. Then add to that a very heavy snowfall, and it won’t make things better.

Well well, being very stubborn and determined I did not give up until I - after a lot of swearing, yelling and a couple of tears - managed to get them in. Ok, I could not close the trunk, but no matter. I could close it well enough to drive down to town. Of course the whole interior of the trunk and the back seat of the car were covered in snow, but at that moment I could not care less. Quite happy with myself I drove down to the bicycle repair shop that I have used before. Only to find it closed!!!! I almost freaked out!! Guess if I was cursing the Small Town!

Well, well, I knew there is another one and on the way there I prayed it would be open, and at the same time making the decision, that if it was not I would have to drive around with my two bicycles in the car until it opened, even if it would take until spring. Fortunately it was open! A very nice man helped me getting the bikes out of the car. He did not really seem to believe that I had managed to get them both in on my own! One of them he could fix immediately and the other one I had to leave for later. Anyway I was quite happy and satisfied with myself. I left the bike in the car for a couple of days because of the snowfall; I could not really see any reason for letting more snow in. I had just started to realise was snow in your car can do.

What happens to snow when it gets warm? It melts. What happens to melted snow on textile? It soaks in and makes the whole textile damp and causes a very humid air in the car. What happens when this humidity meets cold glass, as in windscreens? Yep! It freezes! So now I don’t only have to scrape ice off the outside of all the car windows, but also from the inside! Great job!! Love it! I think I have to take the car out for a drive for a couple of hours with full heating on. Where to go?? Anyone wants a visit??

Matter of Honour??

Now I will write things that might not be very typical for me or my blog. Normally I am very liberal and prefere reconciliation and forgiveness instead of harsh punishment and condemnation and I rarely call for extradition of criminals. But there are some areas and some acts that I just can not see from that perspective. One of them is what is normally called “honour related” crime and violence.

Today there has been a lot of discussion about murders committed out of “honour”, again. This morning a 16 years old girl was found dead in front of her house after having fallen from the balcony on the fourth floor. The cause of the fall was not completely clear, but crime could not be ruled out and two male relatives were arrested. It was not openly said but I immediately felt it could probably be “honour related”. In the news this evening it was still not sure, but the discussions were all pointing in that direction too.

These are actions and crimes that I can see absolutely no excuses for and I believe those who commit crimes like that should be immediately extradited! No matter the reason for their coming to Sweden or where they come from. In case the perpetrator is Swedish citizen I might even be ready to consider revoking their citizenship, something that is normally not possible.

I find in completely unacceptable and upsetting that people who come here to find a better life will not be ready to grant the same rights and opportunities to their daughters and sisters!!!

Ok, there are probably explanations to why they act like this and in some cases it is possibly not evilness and hatred that make them do things like this, maybe they might even believe they act out of some weird kind of love and do what is best for the family etc etc. But I don’t care!!! It is just unacceptable!! And even if you try to explain it through society and lacking integration, it does not really help. I believe that no matter how badly integrated you are into Swedish society you must have been made aware of that this is not an accepted behaviour here. And if you can not accept that; sorry, but then I feel there is no room for you in this society! Then I feel you have lost your right of protection here. Of course you can say the same about a lot of other crimes and problems that kind of follow you where you go, ie ethnic gang crimes etc, which would leave a lot of reasons for extradition, but I still think there are important differences. First of all it is mostly directed toward family members, the ones you really should love, care for and protect!! And often the victims are children, as the girl mentioned in the news, who was only 16. Of course there are other horrible crimes and of course ethnic Swedes, who you can not really extradite anywhere, even if you would like to, also commit similar or worse crimes. But I find it hard to believe that they feel very honourable then or feel they have done something right and expect (and get!) respect for what they have done. That’s why I think these criminals really wasted their right to live here.

Small Town Monster

Spent the weekend in the Small Town. As always that meant a lot of anger, disappointment, frustration, irritation and tears. I really can not stand the place!!
The weird thing though, is that the people who live here are really nice and friendly. That makes me wonder what is wrong with me. How come these people can stand living here and still be human and kind, while the town makes a complete monster out of me?!?
The only possible explanation I can see is that they grew up here and have spent their whole life getting used to the place. I would like to consider myself rather flexible and adjustable, but in this place there is just no room for flexibility. I feel as if I am a star shape, or at least some figure with a lot of edges and corners, that someone is trying to squeeze into a square box. I will just not work! It took me quite some time to become who I am and what I am does not fit here. And somehow I like what I am more that what I would have to become to fit in here. Hence I am a complete disaster here! I don't like myself here!

Small town past time

Well, maybe I should try to say something positive about The Small Town and the area I live in now after all (even thought it might not be so easy). The most important positive thing I can think of is that people here are very kind, in a sweet and friendly manner. They seem to be helpful and cheerful, even though maybe not in the most spontaneous and open way. I don’t think you shall expect them to come to you and start to talk to you if you are a stranger, but if you by any chance approach them, they are friendly.

But – yes, of course there is a but to this as well. They are cheerful in a very nature-loving-open-air-healthy-sporty way. Most of them are fond skiers, fishers and hunters...Yeah, well… it sometimes seems almost Norwegian, that can sometimes be a bit too much for me.

For example, I have now heard from several colleagues of mine that on the weekend, if they had nothing to do, they took food with them and went out somewhere in the open, made a fire and grilled sausages etc. In wintertime!! For no particular reason!! Ok, I a sure that can be nice, and I don’t mind doing things outdoor, but honestly; I would never come up with the idea and neither would any of my friends…

Space less

I am getting really fed up with my situation in the shitty small town. The place is turning me into a sad, grumpy, irritable and far less fun person. Not only is the town a shitty place. There is just no space for me where I can be myself. I really do like my job and my colleagues, but I absolutely hate the office we are sitting in. It is so crowded; we are eight persons sharing one room that is not built for it. The problem is not the lack of space though, for me it is the lack of respect for each others. Some of my colleagues obviously like to have the atmosphere of a leisure house or kindergarten in the room. It is bad enough that we disturb each other with necessary phone calls and spontaneous meetings with the colleagues, but completely freak out having to listen to people’s private chats, discussion about apartments, cars, parties and most of all, the senseless blabber and jokes and gossip and small fights. It is horrible to try to do some kind of work in that atmosphere, especially not any kind of analytic work. Since I started working there this summer I have tried to get this message trough, without success. I feel I don’t get any response at all and I find it rather respectless.

At around six o clock in the afternoon it gets a little bit better and sometimes it is even quiet enough to manage to think one whole thought and then I could start working. But I don’t feel it is right that I should have to stay in the office late till late in the night to be able to have reasonable working conditions. And after a whole day in that noise one gets very tired.

So after such a day I go home and the first thing I hear when I open the front door is the party music from my down stairs neighbour. So the rest of the evening I can only hear the base tones banging through the floor, killing the sound of my own choice of music or TV. Every evening!! I am so fed up!! There is just not one single space where I feel at home, where I can feel comfortable, relaxed and at ease. I wonder how long I can take it…

Different Lives

The last couple of weeks Swedish television has been absolutely crowded with different “galas”, music galas, sport galas, tv-show galas and film galas etc etc. This is absolutely not my kind of shows so I normally never watch them. But today there was really nothing else on TV and I had no real energy to do anything else so I got stuck in front of the screen for a while and I very soon realised another reason to why I don’t watch them; I simply live a completely different life. Not that I expect to identify myself with the sports-/music- or film stars on the shows, but of all the Swedish movies nominated for the different Swedish film awards 2007 I hadn’t seen one single one!! Not even the documentaries or films that were broadcasted on TV!! I felt so out of tune with the rest of the country!! I could only imagine what it would have been like if I would have gotten stuck in front of the sports gala. Then I would not even have known the stars of the gala!!

A Weeping Song

Today I am just so pissed off, frustrated and sad. The project I have been working very hard at for the last couple of months and finally managed to get on track was today cancelled (or at least postponed undefinatly) due to reasons completely out of my control. It is so fucking frustrating. I have been so focused and put so many other things aside to get this high profile project going and then, nothing... Ok, I can understand the reasons, but still not. This is nothing really new, everyone ought to know this, but just because the focus changed, everything obviously changed.
I am talking about the project in Afghanistan. Of course we were perfectly aware of the security situation, but still we made the decision to go there. Then a bomb went off outside a hotel were westerners use to stay and one Norweigan die. More people died, but the Afghans noone counts, but this time one Norweigan died and then of course it is so much worse!!! I still believe it would have been different if it had been even an American, a British or a German. But hey! A Norweigan!! That is almost a Swede!! Then we can not go there!!!
I am not trying to downplay the dangers of going to Afghanistan, but I still believe this is nothing new! Who thought it was perfectly safe?!?! If this risk is too high we should not be there at all and why the hell spend time planning and organising projects there then!!??

And it took away a chance for me to get out of this place for two weeks!!

I am just so frustrated I almost look forward to the funeral I am going to tomorrow. Not that funerals are very enjoyable occassions, but this time I will use it as a legitimate reason for crying out loud over my miserable life!! There is a risk however that my family will take it as a small over reaction to weep that much over my dead uncle, but that is a risk I am willing to take.

A Quitter..

Today I gave up! I gave up my couch slouching lazy life and got back to the gym. I honestly just couldn't keep it up any longer. I seriously had planned not to go there untill after I was back from the trip that I will start next week. My membership had expired and I did not want to renew it now as I am pretty broke for the moment and also because I knew I would be away for two weeks, but today I just couldn't anymore. I feel my body is used to work out and just is not very happe with a longer time of inactivity. I felt my back started hurting and also felt I got more stressed. The last days and this week is pretty busy at work and today I felt a stomach ache I haven't felt in a long time and that I think only can come from stress. So, today I went to the gym, renewed my membership and took a spinning class. I am sure I will feel better!

Who said training is not addictive?!

Trend Breaker

I don't know how I really do it, but somehow I always seem to go against the stream, even if I don't intend to. From always being rather consequent in my fitness training and to do some kind of sport two or three times a week, I have been passive for quite some time and decided that it is ok. I have been thinking about going to the gym basically every day this week, but then changed my mind and decided to stay on the couch and felt absolutely good about that. Then I just heard on the TV that there is a rush to fitness centres all over the country. The centres are over crowded and some even have had there webpages over loaded. Of course this is nothing new, after Christmas and with the promises people make for the new year they flood to the gyms to take care of the over weight and bad consciense.

So now I feel even better about my choice to stay on the couch. I don't have to fight for space in over crowded gyms and I know, that later, when the others already have given up, I will still be fit and happy to take up my old habit. :-)

A Wish for 2008

As I wrote I haven't made any promises for the new year; I do have one wish however. I would like people around me to work less. Or at least to talk less about how much they work. Lately I have the feeling that everyone is complaining about how much they work. Or sometimes not even really complaining about it, but just keep telling you and letting everyone else know how extreeeemly busy they are and how much they have been working. Sometimes it seems as if it was a kind of competition.

I don't doubt they do work a lot. I think most of my friends work a lot and I think my working hours are also not that few, but maybe especially therefore I am so fed up hearing about it. If it really is a problem, if you are on the edge of being burnt out you should do something about it! Let your boss know! If it is just a way to make everyone think you are very important and special; it wont help. You are important and special anyway and would probably be more so if you could talk about something else.

Don't get me wrong! I don't mind people talking about their work. Not even if they complain and are unsatisfied with somethings. I also don't mind people letting others know they are doing a good job. I am just so fed up to ALWAYS hear about the HUGE amount of work load people are carrying. When the first think you constantly hear from someone is "Oh I am so busy! Oh I have been working so much". Not if this is a constant situation. Of cause everyone can be under a extreme pressure at times and sometimes your case load is getting out of hand, but I am talking about those people who constantly talk like that. As if they were the only ones who had a lot to do.

So, for 2008, please sort out your work and realise you have other, more interesting things to talk about!

Happy New Year!

New year, but this far not much have changend. This year however some things must change. For sure!!
I haven't really decided yet how I will do it but something must happen.
Somehow I was so busy at New Years eve I did not make any promises and committments for the new year, but I will try to do some more blogging again. I have been really bad at it latelu, to some extent because I have been spending time on Facebook instead, but seriously, blogging is more fun! I have even been thinking about starting a new, serious blog in Swedish, we will see... Hope you will be with me in 2008 too!

Now; I will go to bed! Good night!

Myth Buster

There are loads of myths about men and women that I would like to see dead, once for all… Simply because they are sooo wrong. Maybe I should make that my mission and a new theme for my blog?!

One is the myth that women would not know what they want and somehow should be indecisive. Another is that women speak in riddles and that men should be more straightforward. That is just sooo wrong!!

I have ever so often ended up in relations with men who don’t seem to have a clue what they want and whenever I tried to find out, the most intelligent answer the man in question could provide was “I don’t know”. No matter how I rephrased the question he would not say anything else than I don’t know. In my opinion some of those questions were just the kind you just have to know the answer to, but maybe the person just felt uncomfortable to tell the truth and maybe thought I would get hurt. Therefore I started giving suggestions for different answers and after quite some time I think I got some kind of answer. After I had more or less put the words in the mouth of the man in question. I just don’t understand!! How fu..ing hard can it be?!!? Just answer the bloody question!! If I ask, of course I want the answer! If the person in question is so indecisive and unclear, of course you suspect he is “just not that in to you” and maybe wants to break up, but why the hell just don’t say that then. It is not one time now, that I have had to break up on behalf of the guy!! Why are men such cowards!??! Stop wasting my time!!

Now I thought this might just be me. Me meeting the wrong guys or me being too pushy or what ever… But now I have heard so many similar questions that my thesis has been confirmed. Recently I spoke to one of my long time friends. She has been living together with her boyfriend for six years. They are both 35+, not married, nor engaged and have no kids and live in a three room rented apartment. I think they both have been quite happy with that, but for some time now my friend seems to want some kind of change or at least get some suggestion to the direction of their relation. Should they get married, try to have kids, buy a house or maybe at least buy a boat or at least do something new? But whenever she brought the question up for discussion the only answer her boyfriend could give her was “I don’t know”. How the hell can you not know after that time!?!!? You must have some idea what you want to do with your life!! And after six years together, would you not think your partner is entitled to an answer!! And IF you of some unbelievable reason really do not know, any normal person should realise that you can not say that to a person you have been living together with for six years and who wants to have an answer. That is so respectless!! Then you just have to give an answer and take the consequences. Oh, I am getting angry while writing. Men grow up!! My friend now realise that she can not wait any more. If she waits and ask the same question in a year, she will only get the same answer. His loss!!

Ice Cold

Another reason to hate the place I am in and winter in general: the ice on my car!
Of course I was aware that you might have to scrape ice of the windscreen in the winter time, but the ice here is quite something. Thick, thick layers (like the beer commercial; "really thick!!") that takes ten minutes to get off. I suppose it is the closeness to the big lake that causes the high humidity and probably it will get better if the lake freezes, but that means it will have to get even colder first..:-(

November Blues

Not that I like winter particularly well, but today I would have preferred if it would have stayed cold.
This morning when I went to work, it was a clear, chilly, crisp morning so I put on my white, fur brimmed winter coat and my beige suede boots. Perfect for that weather!
In the afternoon when I left the office it was raining and there were dirty puddles everywhere. Not very suitable for my clothes….:-( I hate winter!! I particularly hate November! I need vacation!! Sun!!!!!!!!!