Sunday Walk in The Small Town

Today I took a walk in The Small Town. All the pictures are taken within a radiuos of one kilometer from where I live.





And you wonder why I am depressed and hate it..??!!

British niceties

Oh, I just love the British and their way to express themselves. They really have a way with words!

This Friday I for the first time met the consultant, who we recruited for the Afghanistan project and he is British. It was a very nice and constructive meeting and I felt very confident afterwards, as he seemed a very pleasant and competent person. Today I received an e-mail with some more information from him. In the mail he also thanked for the meeting and wrote some niceties about how nice it was to meet me and how much he looked forward to working with me. Added to that he wrote how impressed he was with my background and what strength that will be to the mission. Wow I was completely flabbergasted!! He impressed by my background!!! Says he, how really has all the background, competence and experience (working as a consultant for several international organisations and lecturing on three universities!!). I felt so inferior to him and really tried to say as little as possible about my previous (lack of) experience.

Of course I can see reasons for him to flatter me. He is an independent consultant, hired by “my” agency and as I am the representative for the agency he will be working most closely with and as he probably has an interest in working for us again he might see it fit to flatter me a little. But still, the way he expressed it felt as if he meant it and it felt good. I also need a boost to my confidence as this project will probably be the toughest thing I have ever done. I will have to act as if I am smart and know what I am doing…

I wish I could express myself that well in English too…

If Life was a Picnic

Today at our nice day at the ski slope we hade brought some very nice picnic (that is, my sister had brougth, I didn't), but normally I am not very much of a picnic kind of person. Not as long as I can not afford having a butler who prepares the meal and brings it out where I am going, sets the table with linen cloth, chandeliers, glass, china, cutlery and champagne. Then we can discuss it…

I have just never understood why going thru all the hassle of preparing food, packing it, carrying it, unpacking it before you can eat it. If you want to get out, I normally want to get started right away. Then someone always come up with the idea to bring food. Then it takes hell of a time to get going before all the sandwiches are ready, pies, cookies, salads, dinks and stuff. By the time it is all ready I have normally already lost interest (or the weather has gone bad!). Then you should carry the stuff around, find a place where it is not too hot, not too cold, not too sunny, not too windy, where there is something to sit on, where the grass is not too wet and where there are no ants or wasps, and you have a beautiful view, of course you never find a place like that! After having agreed on a place that does not make the majority too disappointed the unpacking of the food starts. Only to discover it has gone warm/cold/wet/mushy or you forgot something important. Having saved it from the ants and avoided swallowing too much sand and leaves that got stuck on your sandwiches you always have a lot of leftovers to carry back home as it never tastes as good as you thought. And back home you will throw it away anyway cause no one will ever want to eat it once back. No, picnics are generally a very much overestimated feature.

I much rather prefer going hiking the German way! Where ever you go in a popular hiking area you can be sure to find - at reasonable distance from each other – a nice little Gaststube or Bierstube, where you can have a nice meal warm food and a delicious cold beer.

A Good Choice

I had agreed to go with my sister and her family to a skiing resort nearby today. They had planned to go there and on the way they would pass The Small Town anyway, so I thought why not joining.

When my alarm went off at 6.30 this morning I rather thought “why the hell?”, it was very tempting to call and tell them I’d changed my mind and go back to sleep. But I managed to get up and get ready. Still it did not look very promising outside. It was very grey, dark and it was raining and hardly any snow. After approx one hour’s driving the clouds started to get a little thinner and the sun shone thru at times. When we arrived we found the slopes in a surprisingly good condition and the sun shone from an almost completely clear sky.

It turned out to be a really nice day. Ok, this skiing area is nothing like the Alps and not even very big for Swedish standards, and the snow was rather heavy and icy as it was a couple degrees above zero, but there was not much people, no waiting at the lifts and basically a very nice way to spend a Saturday without too much preparation, planning and organisation.

Going back, the weather only got worse and worse as we were approaching The Small Town. I guess there it had been grey, dark and rainy the whole day. It seems I did a good choice today.

Small Town Legislation

In The Small Town and surroundings it seems to be an obvious problem that people visiting bars and restaurants bring their drinks with them when they go to the restrooms. At least I have seen several sings on doors to the restrooms informing that it is not allowed to bring your glass to the restroom.

My favourite is this one:



The text says it is forbidden to bring your drink into the restroom, reffering to "the alcohol law on serving of alcoholic beverages". Fantastic!! I wonder where I can find that law!! I am not sure I want to know what they think people do with their drinks in the bathroom...

Wrong Choice?

I use to say "you never regret what you do, only what you don't do", but now I think I seriously start to regret my move to the Small Town. When I was offered this job I was offered another job as well and I had the somewhat absurd choice to choose between The Small Town or Dhaka...
I have been fighting the feeling of regret, telling myself regretting things won't change anything or make it better, but now I feel it is coming stronger and stronger and it is harder and harder to fight the feeling. I feel I am wasting my time here...

Good Job

This weekend I had one of those typical situations I sometimes end up in because of my stubbornness.

As I don’t spend many weekends here and it is hard for me to have things outside my work taken care of during the week, I had planned to do some of them this Saturday. (Sundays you can forget here as everything is mega closed!). One of the things was to have my bicycles fixed (because suddenly none of my two bikes were working!). Therefore I was very determined to get the two bikes into the trunk of my car. Now anyone who ever have tried tucking a bike into a car knows that can be rather tricky, then imagine one person alone trying to get two bikes into the trunk of a normal car. It is not exactly easy. They always tend to get mingled into each other and getting stuck or hitting the sides of the trunk. Then add to that a very heavy snowfall, and it won’t make things better.

Well well, being very stubborn and determined I did not give up until I - after a lot of swearing, yelling and a couple of tears - managed to get them in. Ok, I could not close the trunk, but no matter. I could close it well enough to drive down to town. Of course the whole interior of the trunk and the back seat of the car were covered in snow, but at that moment I could not care less. Quite happy with myself I drove down to the bicycle repair shop that I have used before. Only to find it closed!!!! I almost freaked out!! Guess if I was cursing the Small Town!

Well, well, I knew there is another one and on the way there I prayed it would be open, and at the same time making the decision, that if it was not I would have to drive around with my two bicycles in the car until it opened, even if it would take until spring. Fortunately it was open! A very nice man helped me getting the bikes out of the car. He did not really seem to believe that I had managed to get them both in on my own! One of them he could fix immediately and the other one I had to leave for later. Anyway I was quite happy and satisfied with myself. I left the bike in the car for a couple of days because of the snowfall; I could not really see any reason for letting more snow in. I had just started to realise was snow in your car can do.

What happens to snow when it gets warm? It melts. What happens to melted snow on textile? It soaks in and makes the whole textile damp and causes a very humid air in the car. What happens when this humidity meets cold glass, as in windscreens? Yep! It freezes! So now I don’t only have to scrape ice off the outside of all the car windows, but also from the inside! Great job!! Love it! I think I have to take the car out for a drive for a couple of hours with full heating on. Where to go?? Anyone wants a visit??

Matter of Honour??

Now I will write things that might not be very typical for me or my blog. Normally I am very liberal and prefere reconciliation and forgiveness instead of harsh punishment and condemnation and I rarely call for extradition of criminals. But there are some areas and some acts that I just can not see from that perspective. One of them is what is normally called “honour related” crime and violence.

Today there has been a lot of discussion about murders committed out of “honour”, again. This morning a 16 years old girl was found dead in front of her house after having fallen from the balcony on the fourth floor. The cause of the fall was not completely clear, but crime could not be ruled out and two male relatives were arrested. It was not openly said but I immediately felt it could probably be “honour related”. In the news this evening it was still not sure, but the discussions were all pointing in that direction too.

These are actions and crimes that I can see absolutely no excuses for and I believe those who commit crimes like that should be immediately extradited! No matter the reason for their coming to Sweden or where they come from. In case the perpetrator is Swedish citizen I might even be ready to consider revoking their citizenship, something that is normally not possible.

I find in completely unacceptable and upsetting that people who come here to find a better life will not be ready to grant the same rights and opportunities to their daughters and sisters!!!

Ok, there are probably explanations to why they act like this and in some cases it is possibly not evilness and hatred that make them do things like this, maybe they might even believe they act out of some weird kind of love and do what is best for the family etc etc. But I don’t care!!! It is just unacceptable!! And even if you try to explain it through society and lacking integration, it does not really help. I believe that no matter how badly integrated you are into Swedish society you must have been made aware of that this is not an accepted behaviour here. And if you can not accept that; sorry, but then I feel there is no room for you in this society! Then I feel you have lost your right of protection here. Of course you can say the same about a lot of other crimes and problems that kind of follow you where you go, ie ethnic gang crimes etc, which would leave a lot of reasons for extradition, but I still think there are important differences. First of all it is mostly directed toward family members, the ones you really should love, care for and protect!! And often the victims are children, as the girl mentioned in the news, who was only 16. Of course there are other horrible crimes and of course ethnic Swedes, who you can not really extradite anywhere, even if you would like to, also commit similar or worse crimes. But I find it hard to believe that they feel very honourable then or feel they have done something right and expect (and get!) respect for what they have done. That’s why I think these criminals really wasted their right to live here.

Small Town Monster

Spent the weekend in the Small Town. As always that meant a lot of anger, disappointment, frustration, irritation and tears. I really can not stand the place!!
The weird thing though, is that the people who live here are really nice and friendly. That makes me wonder what is wrong with me. How come these people can stand living here and still be human and kind, while the town makes a complete monster out of me?!?
The only possible explanation I can see is that they grew up here and have spent their whole life getting used to the place. I would like to consider myself rather flexible and adjustable, but in this place there is just no room for flexibility. I feel as if I am a star shape, or at least some figure with a lot of edges and corners, that someone is trying to squeeze into a square box. I will just not work! It took me quite some time to become who I am and what I am does not fit here. And somehow I like what I am more that what I would have to become to fit in here. Hence I am a complete disaster here! I don't like myself here!

Small town past time

Well, maybe I should try to say something positive about The Small Town and the area I live in now after all (even thought it might not be so easy). The most important positive thing I can think of is that people here are very kind, in a sweet and friendly manner. They seem to be helpful and cheerful, even though maybe not in the most spontaneous and open way. I don’t think you shall expect them to come to you and start to talk to you if you are a stranger, but if you by any chance approach them, they are friendly.

But – yes, of course there is a but to this as well. They are cheerful in a very nature-loving-open-air-healthy-sporty way. Most of them are fond skiers, fishers and hunters...Yeah, well… it sometimes seems almost Norwegian, that can sometimes be a bit too much for me.

For example, I have now heard from several colleagues of mine that on the weekend, if they had nothing to do, they took food with them and went out somewhere in the open, made a fire and grilled sausages etc. In wintertime!! For no particular reason!! Ok, I a sure that can be nice, and I don’t mind doing things outdoor, but honestly; I would never come up with the idea and neither would any of my friends…

Space less

I am getting really fed up with my situation in the shitty small town. The place is turning me into a sad, grumpy, irritable and far less fun person. Not only is the town a shitty place. There is just no space for me where I can be myself. I really do like my job and my colleagues, but I absolutely hate the office we are sitting in. It is so crowded; we are eight persons sharing one room that is not built for it. The problem is not the lack of space though, for me it is the lack of respect for each others. Some of my colleagues obviously like to have the atmosphere of a leisure house or kindergarten in the room. It is bad enough that we disturb each other with necessary phone calls and spontaneous meetings with the colleagues, but completely freak out having to listen to people’s private chats, discussion about apartments, cars, parties and most of all, the senseless blabber and jokes and gossip and small fights. It is horrible to try to do some kind of work in that atmosphere, especially not any kind of analytic work. Since I started working there this summer I have tried to get this message trough, without success. I feel I don’t get any response at all and I find it rather respectless.

At around six o clock in the afternoon it gets a little bit better and sometimes it is even quiet enough to manage to think one whole thought and then I could start working. But I don’t feel it is right that I should have to stay in the office late till late in the night to be able to have reasonable working conditions. And after a whole day in that noise one gets very tired.

So after such a day I go home and the first thing I hear when I open the front door is the party music from my down stairs neighbour. So the rest of the evening I can only hear the base tones banging through the floor, killing the sound of my own choice of music or TV. Every evening!! I am so fed up!! There is just not one single space where I feel at home, where I can feel comfortable, relaxed and at ease. I wonder how long I can take it…

Different Lives

The last couple of weeks Swedish television has been absolutely crowded with different “galas”, music galas, sport galas, tv-show galas and film galas etc etc. This is absolutely not my kind of shows so I normally never watch them. But today there was really nothing else on TV and I had no real energy to do anything else so I got stuck in front of the screen for a while and I very soon realised another reason to why I don’t watch them; I simply live a completely different life. Not that I expect to identify myself with the sports-/music- or film stars on the shows, but of all the Swedish movies nominated for the different Swedish film awards 2007 I hadn’t seen one single one!! Not even the documentaries or films that were broadcasted on TV!! I felt so out of tune with the rest of the country!! I could only imagine what it would have been like if I would have gotten stuck in front of the sports gala. Then I would not even have known the stars of the gala!!

A Weeping Song

Today I am just so pissed off, frustrated and sad. The project I have been working very hard at for the last couple of months and finally managed to get on track was today cancelled (or at least postponed undefinatly) due to reasons completely out of my control. It is so fucking frustrating. I have been so focused and put so many other things aside to get this high profile project going and then, nothing... Ok, I can understand the reasons, but still not. This is nothing really new, everyone ought to know this, but just because the focus changed, everything obviously changed.
I am talking about the project in Afghanistan. Of course we were perfectly aware of the security situation, but still we made the decision to go there. Then a bomb went off outside a hotel were westerners use to stay and one Norweigan die. More people died, but the Afghans noone counts, but this time one Norweigan died and then of course it is so much worse!!! I still believe it would have been different if it had been even an American, a British or a German. But hey! A Norweigan!! That is almost a Swede!! Then we can not go there!!!
I am not trying to downplay the dangers of going to Afghanistan, but I still believe this is nothing new! Who thought it was perfectly safe?!?! If this risk is too high we should not be there at all and why the hell spend time planning and organising projects there then!!??

And it took away a chance for me to get out of this place for two weeks!!

I am just so frustrated I almost look forward to the funeral I am going to tomorrow. Not that funerals are very enjoyable occassions, but this time I will use it as a legitimate reason for crying out loud over my miserable life!! There is a risk however that my family will take it as a small over reaction to weep that much over my dead uncle, but that is a risk I am willing to take.

A Quitter..

Today I gave up! I gave up my couch slouching lazy life and got back to the gym. I honestly just couldn't keep it up any longer. I seriously had planned not to go there untill after I was back from the trip that I will start next week. My membership had expired and I did not want to renew it now as I am pretty broke for the moment and also because I knew I would be away for two weeks, but today I just couldn't anymore. I feel my body is used to work out and just is not very happe with a longer time of inactivity. I felt my back started hurting and also felt I got more stressed. The last days and this week is pretty busy at work and today I felt a stomach ache I haven't felt in a long time and that I think only can come from stress. So, today I went to the gym, renewed my membership and took a spinning class. I am sure I will feel better!

Who said training is not addictive?!

Trend Breaker

I don't know how I really do it, but somehow I always seem to go against the stream, even if I don't intend to. From always being rather consequent in my fitness training and to do some kind of sport two or three times a week, I have been passive for quite some time and decided that it is ok. I have been thinking about going to the gym basically every day this week, but then changed my mind and decided to stay on the couch and felt absolutely good about that. Then I just heard on the TV that there is a rush to fitness centres all over the country. The centres are over crowded and some even have had there webpages over loaded. Of course this is nothing new, after Christmas and with the promises people make for the new year they flood to the gyms to take care of the over weight and bad consciense.

So now I feel even better about my choice to stay on the couch. I don't have to fight for space in over crowded gyms and I know, that later, when the others already have given up, I will still be fit and happy to take up my old habit. :-)

A Wish for 2008

As I wrote I haven't made any promises for the new year; I do have one wish however. I would like people around me to work less. Or at least to talk less about how much they work. Lately I have the feeling that everyone is complaining about how much they work. Or sometimes not even really complaining about it, but just keep telling you and letting everyone else know how extreeeemly busy they are and how much they have been working. Sometimes it seems as if it was a kind of competition.

I don't doubt they do work a lot. I think most of my friends work a lot and I think my working hours are also not that few, but maybe especially therefore I am so fed up hearing about it. If it really is a problem, if you are on the edge of being burnt out you should do something about it! Let your boss know! If it is just a way to make everyone think you are very important and special; it wont help. You are important and special anyway and would probably be more so if you could talk about something else.

Don't get me wrong! I don't mind people talking about their work. Not even if they complain and are unsatisfied with somethings. I also don't mind people letting others know they are doing a good job. I am just so fed up to ALWAYS hear about the HUGE amount of work load people are carrying. When the first think you constantly hear from someone is "Oh I am so busy! Oh I have been working so much". Not if this is a constant situation. Of cause everyone can be under a extreme pressure at times and sometimes your case load is getting out of hand, but I am talking about those people who constantly talk like that. As if they were the only ones who had a lot to do.

So, for 2008, please sort out your work and realise you have other, more interesting things to talk about!

Happy New Year!

New year, but this far not much have changend. This year however some things must change. For sure!!
I haven't really decided yet how I will do it but something must happen.
Somehow I was so busy at New Years eve I did not make any promises and committments for the new year, but I will try to do some more blogging again. I have been really bad at it latelu, to some extent because I have been spending time on Facebook instead, but seriously, blogging is more fun! I have even been thinking about starting a new, serious blog in Swedish, we will see... Hope you will be with me in 2008 too!

Now; I will go to bed! Good night!

Myth Buster

There are loads of myths about men and women that I would like to see dead, once for all… Simply because they are sooo wrong. Maybe I should make that my mission and a new theme for my blog?!

One is the myth that women would not know what they want and somehow should be indecisive. Another is that women speak in riddles and that men should be more straightforward. That is just sooo wrong!!

I have ever so often ended up in relations with men who don’t seem to have a clue what they want and whenever I tried to find out, the most intelligent answer the man in question could provide was “I don’t know”. No matter how I rephrased the question he would not say anything else than I don’t know. In my opinion some of those questions were just the kind you just have to know the answer to, but maybe the person just felt uncomfortable to tell the truth and maybe thought I would get hurt. Therefore I started giving suggestions for different answers and after quite some time I think I got some kind of answer. After I had more or less put the words in the mouth of the man in question. I just don’t understand!! How fu..ing hard can it be?!!? Just answer the bloody question!! If I ask, of course I want the answer! If the person in question is so indecisive and unclear, of course you suspect he is “just not that in to you” and maybe wants to break up, but why the hell just don’t say that then. It is not one time now, that I have had to break up on behalf of the guy!! Why are men such cowards!??! Stop wasting my time!!

Now I thought this might just be me. Me meeting the wrong guys or me being too pushy or what ever… But now I have heard so many similar questions that my thesis has been confirmed. Recently I spoke to one of my long time friends. She has been living together with her boyfriend for six years. They are both 35+, not married, nor engaged and have no kids and live in a three room rented apartment. I think they both have been quite happy with that, but for some time now my friend seems to want some kind of change or at least get some suggestion to the direction of their relation. Should they get married, try to have kids, buy a house or maybe at least buy a boat or at least do something new? But whenever she brought the question up for discussion the only answer her boyfriend could give her was “I don’t know”. How the hell can you not know after that time!?!!? You must have some idea what you want to do with your life!! And after six years together, would you not think your partner is entitled to an answer!! And IF you of some unbelievable reason really do not know, any normal person should realise that you can not say that to a person you have been living together with for six years and who wants to have an answer. That is so respectless!! Then you just have to give an answer and take the consequences. Oh, I am getting angry while writing. Men grow up!! My friend now realise that she can not wait any more. If she waits and ask the same question in a year, she will only get the same answer. His loss!!

Ice Cold

Another reason to hate the place I am in and winter in general: the ice on my car!
Of course I was aware that you might have to scrape ice of the windscreen in the winter time, but the ice here is quite something. Thick, thick layers (like the beer commercial; "really thick!!") that takes ten minutes to get off. I suppose it is the closeness to the big lake that causes the high humidity and probably it will get better if the lake freezes, but that means it will have to get even colder first..:-(

November Blues

Not that I like winter particularly well, but today I would have preferred if it would have stayed cold.
This morning when I went to work, it was a clear, chilly, crisp morning so I put on my white, fur brimmed winter coat and my beige suede boots. Perfect for that weather!
In the afternoon when I left the office it was raining and there were dirty puddles everywhere. Not very suitable for my clothes….:-( I hate winter!! I particularly hate November! I need vacation!! Sun!!!!!!!!!