Small town past time

Well, maybe I should try to say something positive about The Small Town and the area I live in now after all (even thought it might not be so easy). The most important positive thing I can think of is that people here are very kind, in a sweet and friendly manner. They seem to be helpful and cheerful, even though maybe not in the most spontaneous and open way. I don’t think you shall expect them to come to you and start to talk to you if you are a stranger, but if you by any chance approach them, they are friendly.

But – yes, of course there is a but to this as well. They are cheerful in a very nature-loving-open-air-healthy-sporty way. Most of them are fond skiers, fishers and hunters...Yeah, well… it sometimes seems almost Norwegian, that can sometimes be a bit too much for me.

For example, I have now heard from several colleagues of mine that on the weekend, if they had nothing to do, they took food with them and went out somewhere in the open, made a fire and grilled sausages etc. In wintertime!! For no particular reason!! Ok, I a sure that can be nice, and I don’t mind doing things outdoor, but honestly; I would never come up with the idea and neither would any of my friends…

Space less

I am getting really fed up with my situation in the shitty small town. The place is turning me into a sad, grumpy, irritable and far less fun person. Not only is the town a shitty place. There is just no space for me where I can be myself. I really do like my job and my colleagues, but I absolutely hate the office we are sitting in. It is so crowded; we are eight persons sharing one room that is not built for it. The problem is not the lack of space though, for me it is the lack of respect for each others. Some of my colleagues obviously like to have the atmosphere of a leisure house or kindergarten in the room. It is bad enough that we disturb each other with necessary phone calls and spontaneous meetings with the colleagues, but completely freak out having to listen to people’s private chats, discussion about apartments, cars, parties and most of all, the senseless blabber and jokes and gossip and small fights. It is horrible to try to do some kind of work in that atmosphere, especially not any kind of analytic work. Since I started working there this summer I have tried to get this message trough, without success. I feel I don’t get any response at all and I find it rather respectless.

At around six o clock in the afternoon it gets a little bit better and sometimes it is even quiet enough to manage to think one whole thought and then I could start working. But I don’t feel it is right that I should have to stay in the office late till late in the night to be able to have reasonable working conditions. And after a whole day in that noise one gets very tired.

So after such a day I go home and the first thing I hear when I open the front door is the party music from my down stairs neighbour. So the rest of the evening I can only hear the base tones banging through the floor, killing the sound of my own choice of music or TV. Every evening!! I am so fed up!! There is just not one single space where I feel at home, where I can feel comfortable, relaxed and at ease. I wonder how long I can take it…

Different Lives

The last couple of weeks Swedish television has been absolutely crowded with different “galas”, music galas, sport galas, tv-show galas and film galas etc etc. This is absolutely not my kind of shows so I normally never watch them. But today there was really nothing else on TV and I had no real energy to do anything else so I got stuck in front of the screen for a while and I very soon realised another reason to why I don’t watch them; I simply live a completely different life. Not that I expect to identify myself with the sports-/music- or film stars on the shows, but of all the Swedish movies nominated for the different Swedish film awards 2007 I hadn’t seen one single one!! Not even the documentaries or films that were broadcasted on TV!! I felt so out of tune with the rest of the country!! I could only imagine what it would have been like if I would have gotten stuck in front of the sports gala. Then I would not even have known the stars of the gala!!

A Weeping Song

Today I am just so pissed off, frustrated and sad. The project I have been working very hard at for the last couple of months and finally managed to get on track was today cancelled (or at least postponed undefinatly) due to reasons completely out of my control. It is so fucking frustrating. I have been so focused and put so many other things aside to get this high profile project going and then, nothing... Ok, I can understand the reasons, but still not. This is nothing really new, everyone ought to know this, but just because the focus changed, everything obviously changed.
I am talking about the project in Afghanistan. Of course we were perfectly aware of the security situation, but still we made the decision to go there. Then a bomb went off outside a hotel were westerners use to stay and one Norweigan die. More people died, but the Afghans noone counts, but this time one Norweigan died and then of course it is so much worse!!! I still believe it would have been different if it had been even an American, a British or a German. But hey! A Norweigan!! That is almost a Swede!! Then we can not go there!!!
I am not trying to downplay the dangers of going to Afghanistan, but I still believe this is nothing new! Who thought it was perfectly safe?!?! If this risk is too high we should not be there at all and why the hell spend time planning and organising projects there then!!??

And it took away a chance for me to get out of this place for two weeks!!

I am just so frustrated I almost look forward to the funeral I am going to tomorrow. Not that funerals are very enjoyable occassions, but this time I will use it as a legitimate reason for crying out loud over my miserable life!! There is a risk however that my family will take it as a small over reaction to weep that much over my dead uncle, but that is a risk I am willing to take.

A Quitter..

Today I gave up! I gave up my couch slouching lazy life and got back to the gym. I honestly just couldn't keep it up any longer. I seriously had planned not to go there untill after I was back from the trip that I will start next week. My membership had expired and I did not want to renew it now as I am pretty broke for the moment and also because I knew I would be away for two weeks, but today I just couldn't anymore. I feel my body is used to work out and just is not very happe with a longer time of inactivity. I felt my back started hurting and also felt I got more stressed. The last days and this week is pretty busy at work and today I felt a stomach ache I haven't felt in a long time and that I think only can come from stress. So, today I went to the gym, renewed my membership and took a spinning class. I am sure I will feel better!

Who said training is not addictive?!

Trend Breaker

I don't know how I really do it, but somehow I always seem to go against the stream, even if I don't intend to. From always being rather consequent in my fitness training and to do some kind of sport two or three times a week, I have been passive for quite some time and decided that it is ok. I have been thinking about going to the gym basically every day this week, but then changed my mind and decided to stay on the couch and felt absolutely good about that. Then I just heard on the TV that there is a rush to fitness centres all over the country. The centres are over crowded and some even have had there webpages over loaded. Of course this is nothing new, after Christmas and with the promises people make for the new year they flood to the gyms to take care of the over weight and bad consciense.

So now I feel even better about my choice to stay on the couch. I don't have to fight for space in over crowded gyms and I know, that later, when the others already have given up, I will still be fit and happy to take up my old habit. :-)

A Wish for 2008

As I wrote I haven't made any promises for the new year; I do have one wish however. I would like people around me to work less. Or at least to talk less about how much they work. Lately I have the feeling that everyone is complaining about how much they work. Or sometimes not even really complaining about it, but just keep telling you and letting everyone else know how extreeeemly busy they are and how much they have been working. Sometimes it seems as if it was a kind of competition.

I don't doubt they do work a lot. I think most of my friends work a lot and I think my working hours are also not that few, but maybe especially therefore I am so fed up hearing about it. If it really is a problem, if you are on the edge of being burnt out you should do something about it! Let your boss know! If it is just a way to make everyone think you are very important and special; it wont help. You are important and special anyway and would probably be more so if you could talk about something else.

Don't get me wrong! I don't mind people talking about their work. Not even if they complain and are unsatisfied with somethings. I also don't mind people letting others know they are doing a good job. I am just so fed up to ALWAYS hear about the HUGE amount of work load people are carrying. When the first think you constantly hear from someone is "Oh I am so busy! Oh I have been working so much". Not if this is a constant situation. Of cause everyone can be under a extreme pressure at times and sometimes your case load is getting out of hand, but I am talking about those people who constantly talk like that. As if they were the only ones who had a lot to do.

So, for 2008, please sort out your work and realise you have other, more interesting things to talk about!

Happy New Year!

New year, but this far not much have changend. This year however some things must change. For sure!!
I haven't really decided yet how I will do it but something must happen.
Somehow I was so busy at New Years eve I did not make any promises and committments for the new year, but I will try to do some more blogging again. I have been really bad at it latelu, to some extent because I have been spending time on Facebook instead, but seriously, blogging is more fun! I have even been thinking about starting a new, serious blog in Swedish, we will see... Hope you will be with me in 2008 too!

Now; I will go to bed! Good night!

Myth Buster

There are loads of myths about men and women that I would like to see dead, once for all… Simply because they are sooo wrong. Maybe I should make that my mission and a new theme for my blog?!

One is the myth that women would not know what they want and somehow should be indecisive. Another is that women speak in riddles and that men should be more straightforward. That is just sooo wrong!!

I have ever so often ended up in relations with men who don’t seem to have a clue what they want and whenever I tried to find out, the most intelligent answer the man in question could provide was “I don’t know”. No matter how I rephrased the question he would not say anything else than I don’t know. In my opinion some of those questions were just the kind you just have to know the answer to, but maybe the person just felt uncomfortable to tell the truth and maybe thought I would get hurt. Therefore I started giving suggestions for different answers and after quite some time I think I got some kind of answer. After I had more or less put the words in the mouth of the man in question. I just don’t understand!! How fu..ing hard can it be?!!? Just answer the bloody question!! If I ask, of course I want the answer! If the person in question is so indecisive and unclear, of course you suspect he is “just not that in to you” and maybe wants to break up, but why the hell just don’t say that then. It is not one time now, that I have had to break up on behalf of the guy!! Why are men such cowards!??! Stop wasting my time!!

Now I thought this might just be me. Me meeting the wrong guys or me being too pushy or what ever… But now I have heard so many similar questions that my thesis has been confirmed. Recently I spoke to one of my long time friends. She has been living together with her boyfriend for six years. They are both 35+, not married, nor engaged and have no kids and live in a three room rented apartment. I think they both have been quite happy with that, but for some time now my friend seems to want some kind of change or at least get some suggestion to the direction of their relation. Should they get married, try to have kids, buy a house or maybe at least buy a boat or at least do something new? But whenever she brought the question up for discussion the only answer her boyfriend could give her was “I don’t know”. How the hell can you not know after that time!?!!? You must have some idea what you want to do with your life!! And after six years together, would you not think your partner is entitled to an answer!! And IF you of some unbelievable reason really do not know, any normal person should realise that you can not say that to a person you have been living together with for six years and who wants to have an answer. That is so respectless!! Then you just have to give an answer and take the consequences. Oh, I am getting angry while writing. Men grow up!! My friend now realise that she can not wait any more. If she waits and ask the same question in a year, she will only get the same answer. His loss!!

Ice Cold

Another reason to hate the place I am in and winter in general: the ice on my car!
Of course I was aware that you might have to scrape ice of the windscreen in the winter time, but the ice here is quite something. Thick, thick layers (like the beer commercial; "really thick!!") that takes ten minutes to get off. I suppose it is the closeness to the big lake that causes the high humidity and probably it will get better if the lake freezes, but that means it will have to get even colder first..:-(

November Blues

Not that I like winter particularly well, but today I would have preferred if it would have stayed cold.
This morning when I went to work, it was a clear, chilly, crisp morning so I put on my white, fur brimmed winter coat and my beige suede boots. Perfect for that weather!
In the afternoon when I left the office it was raining and there were dirty puddles everywhere. Not very suitable for my clothes….:-( I hate winter!! I particularly hate November! I need vacation!! Sun!!!!!!!!!

Is this me?!?!

I just had a look at my chinese horoscope on Facebook, according to which I am a Metal Dog. I am rather sceptical towards astrology and now I will be even more so. Or what about reading that I am not easy to live with!?!? Or maybe I then can use that as an excuse..
There was also a section where they combined the chinese sign with the western. I don't know if they actually combined MY two signs or if they picked the equivalent western sign and it just happend to be an Aries Metal Dog, but this is one of the things it said about "me": The Aries Dog
These Dogs are self-confident and independent. They won't settle down too early because there's too much to do.

Hmm, does sound a bit familiar...

Normal life??

Just to write that I have absolutely nothing to write!
Just feel very empty and uninspired... Is this the real normal life?!
All of a sudden I feel I have a lot of work and unfortunately find it very difficult to concentrate in the office.
At the same time autumn is getting really serious, cold, wet and dark... Fear the winter!!

Fascinating Facebook

After some initial hesitation and even some aversion against Facebook I have now given in and started taking more active part of it. There is still a lot of junk and applications that I just don’t understand the point of, especially the ones where you “send” stuff to people, like hugs, spanks, drinks or small fish or gifts etc. But it is a nice way to get in touch with people you have lost track of and also to stay updated on the ones you have less frequent contact to.
But I have also discovered another, probably unintended side effect. It is also a way to lose friends or at least to get confirmation of that someone who used to be your friends isn’t any longer.

It does not even have to be an active rejection in the way that you refuse to accept an invitation, it can also be the very passive, silent refusal of sending an invitation. You notice when you see that you and this person have a billion friends in common, but still you don’t have that direct link, not even though you are the one who basically introduced that person to the rest of the gang. Before it comes to that point you have probably already guessed that something was wrong, when you go from nearly daily contact to no contact for months, but there are of course a million reasons for not calling or sending a message, mostly lack of time, but on Facebook most of the reasons aren’t valid anymore. So then you would guess that there has to be another reason, but would it not be nicer to tell it straight out?! Of course you sometimes have to break up with friends too, but wouldn’t it be odd to confirm a break up on Facebook?

Well, if someone has decided that she does no longer want to be your friend anymore, it is not much you can do but to accept it. And anyway, I don’t need "friends" like that…

To Move Or Not To Move

Been thinking about moving. Am not happy with my apartment, especially not the neighbours. Saw two other apartments on the net today, bigger, closer to the centre and seemed to be in a nice house, but then it means they are also of course more expensive. Still not expensive though, but not as cheap as my present one. SO, the question is; is it worth while going through the hustle of moving again? Will I feel happier there? Is it worth paying a little more or will I still be unsatisfied but only have less money left to spend on other thing??

I don't know! And I guess I should have cancelled my present contract today then...

Town of the dead?

Just came back from a sunny and warm Stockholm to a rainy and grey Small Town. I think, however, that is more symbolic for how I feel about the place than a mere meteorological fact, the weather is actually quite good here and I think often better than in surrounding places...

However, I do think there are more dead people here than alive!

Very close to where I live there is a HUGE cemetery. It is very beautiful and park like, but it is really huge for such a small town. I kind of assumed that would be the only cemetery in town and hence that big, but today I saw from the train, that there is another one, just next to the church and it was also very big. And it was also very neat, tidy and well kept, so it seems the town cares more about the dead than the ones alive, let alone the ones really living...

Now I am off for another "night on the town". I am meeting some of my colleagues in a bar, we'll see what will happen this time...

Community action

Just to let you know that I am not only whining about The Small Town-misery, but also take some action against it; I want to inform you that I just sent an e-mail to the town council complaining about the parking ticket policy. Not my personal ticket, that is under my dignity, but I just wanted to inform them that this little shitty town actually can not afford being that rigid about these things. If there is one thing this place have more than enough of, it is empty spaces! So why the hell charge people at all if they want to park the car there and try to see if they can find anything worth spending their money on in the few shops!!??

So, now it feels a bit better!

Hating The Small Town

Today I just felt I hate The Small Town! I took the risk of staying here over the weekend. I will do my best to avoid that in the future!

The reason for staying here was that I have been away lot lately and felt tired and just felt like relaxing and sleep late in the mornings and then I also felt I really had to do some cleaning and organising in my apartment as well as work a bit. When I woke up however I thought it could be nice to go out for a while first, as the weather was quite nice. I also thought I could take the chance to go to some of the many flee markets in town as they are only open Saturdays. As I slept late and had a long and relaxed breakfast it got a bit late before I got out, but I could not see that that would be a problem. It was; I realised! ALL the flee markets closed at noon! They are only open Saturdays 9-12!!! My God!! Is it so strange and weird to sleep late one day of the week?!!? But maybe it is only the old, crazy, disabled, mad and unemployed here that go to the markets anyway…

After that I was a irritated but still wanted to do something, so I parked the car and went strolling through the city streets and the few shops. It did not take long, but I also talked on the phone and went through a park and along some nice houses before I went back to my car. Only to discover I had been given a parking ticket!!! Apparently I was a little late; the time I had paid for had expired. Seven (7!!) minutes after it expired I was given the ticket! I completely freaked out!! Especially as this town has absolutely no parking problem. My car was the only one in a huge parking lot, and still they have to fine me for being seven minutes late!!! In this ugly, disgusting, horribly boring, shitty little town they feel they have to harass people who are seven minutes late to their cars!?!? And then they wonder why people don’t want to live here. I was so frustrated and angry I just felt I had to get out of town.

I had found a brochure of a manor house not far away. It looked very nice in the pictures, a big white house in a park by a lake and with a restaurant and a café and a conference centre so I decided to go there and have lunch or at least coffee. At first I also had plans to stop in one or two of the towns I had to pass on my way there, but when I saw them I realised they would probably be like The Small Town so I kept driving. Once I came to the manor house it was as beautiful as in the pictures. But of course it was closed!!

I am so tired of this place! I really don’t want to live here!! I think several of my colleagues are going through the same at the time. And I am really worried for what it will be like in the autumn and winter. I hate winter in Sweden anyway and I don’t think it will be better here…

Time reference

Sometimes I feel I have difficulties to realise how old I am. Today I was in Oslo for a meeting and after the meeting I had one hour before the train left back to The Small Town. I used that hour to walk around Oslo centre and the harbour. I was thinking about the last time I was in Oslo and realised that it was almost twenty years ago!!! That is scary!!! Especially as I - at least at that time - thought of myself as a grown-up then. At the very least I was definetly not a child. That is scary!!

I remember a time when I was not even aware that I was alive twenty years ago!!
But I guess that time will probably come back again. Hopefully not so soon! Or maybe it will then more be a matter of not remembering what happened 20 minutes ago!

Facebook explosion

What has happened??!! The last weeks Facebook has formally exploded in my environment!! I don’t really remember when I first got the invitation to join, but I did not pay particular attention to that. After some time I did reply to a request and opened an account, but did not do anything further. Then a couple of weeks ago almost all my colleagues started talking about Facebook and also more and more friends seemed to have it and I have received more invitations. I have signed up for yet some, but still haven’t done much about it. I realise it would probably be a very nice and useful thing for me as I have this strange habit of moving a lot and finding it more and more difficult to keep in touch with friends. But on the other hand; when would I have the time to maintain it?! I feel the thing with it is that you are supposed to spend some time on it regularly. I find it hard enough to maintain my blogs! Ok, maybe Facebook could replace the blogs or at least complement them, as it is more interactive, but still every now and then I feel like writing more than suitable for Facebook.

But is it not interesting how things spread over internet?!?! All of a sudden some things just get this hype and people all over the world are busy reading, editing, checking, yes simply doing more or less the same thing!