I want some cred!

Or actually I don’t need that. I am proud enough of my self anyway. Today I said “thank you, but no thank you to the foreign ministry!!! And that I think is really something they are not too used to. I have been waiting for an offer of a job contract from them, and today I got their offer. It was not bad, but it was definitely not good enough! And I am soo proud of myself that I actually did not let myself be fooled and persuaded to accept anyway. I have had enough of bad contracts and worthless promises from the ministry. If I am to continue that line of work they will have to come up with something better.
This time I also had a very interesting alternative, which of course made the decision easier. Now I am starting something completely new. This is also something that takes some courage. Not to change jobs, but this means moving to the dreaded little small town!! But as I say, fear eats the soul so one just has to try the thing one fears the most. I feel brave and courageous! So maybe I do want some cred after all!

Useless, invisible pain

I am still a bit sore and stiff from my fall yesterday, but to my disappointment nothing shows. I thought I would get completely black and blue, but there is nothing!! Not a spot or a scratch. Who will believe my pain and feel pity for me then!?!?
Well, I think I am a bit swollen, but who the hell will believe that?? “No, I am not fat; it is just my ass that is swollen!!”

Rodeo Queen

Today I fell off the horse! Big time! And two times!

It was the first time in I don’t know how many years, and then I’d better do it properly. I was helping a friend to break in a young horse and she had been sitting on it before, so it was not the first time and then it was no problem. This time too it all started out very well, but then something happened, probably he got scared by the dog that approached the paddock and he started jumping, bowing and kicking like crazy. And I tell you; then there is not much one can do. First I flew twenty centimetres up and then down back in the saddle, which of course did not make things better, then I just flew down on the ground and landed on my hip. After some recuperation I got back up on the horse again. It started out ok, but then he just flew up in the air again, my friend could not hold it. I flew off and landed on the other hip and the horse started running off, kicking and bowing around the paddock, before it tore the bridle in parts and broke out through the wooden fence and off in the field.

I feel quite ok, I am a bit sore and blue, but I feel pretty sure there is nothing broken or crushed. For a while I was a bit dizzy and nauseous, chock I guess, but that is ok now. I am fascinated by the powers a horse possess and how well man can teach a horse to obey and control these powers, it just takes a bit of time and training. I mean I have been riding a lot, but it was a long time a fell from a horse and I don’t think I fall too easily. Saar, you might remember the time we were riding in Belgrade and Lucky Boy set off like at the rodeo, I must say I was never even close to falling off then, even though I was riding without stirrups, but this time; not a chance to stay on! Not even with the help of the extra leather strap I had on the saddle. Now I know what it must be like at a real rodeo!

I hate migraine

For two days now I have been down and out and I am counting on a third day, that is the normal duration. Migraine must be the most boring “illness” there is. You just feel miserable, all the time. This time I am not that ill that I have to throw up and stay absolutely still all the time, but I am so completely bored!!!! There is nothing I can do! Normal pills don’t help. Ok, I have stronger, prescription stuff I could take, but they just make me pass out and that is not so fun either. I can not read, not watch TV, not listen to music, cant stand sounds and strong light and honestly; I can not sit by the computer either. I am just soooooo bored!!!!!!!!! :-(

Cleaning out my closet III

I am continuing to sort out among all my cardboard boxes and today I did the ones that have been standing since before I moved to Gothenburg, i.e. is since 1992! Very interesting!!
Somehow I got the feeling I was more adult then, than I am now! I had a lot of fine china, glassware, silverware, table cloths and curtains that I never used since.
But what struck me most was that I seemed to have had a lot of interests that I do not care much about now. I found my old photo developing equipment, loads of magazines about photography, music, film, politics and travelling. Shit! I think I was almost more intellectual and cultural when I was in high school than I am now! Even the wise words and philosophical sentences that I had jotted down on my notebooks were rather intelligent and witty. Ok, some where indeed naïve and pathetic, but not all of them.
I seem to have been more political, more cultural, more idealistic and much more romantic! When and how did I become this cynical old bitch!?!

Congratulation Serbia!!

Not only to winning the Eurovision Song Contest, which of course is great and well deserved, and I am really glad for that, but I think Serbia won a lot already by sending Marija Serifovic to the competition. It was so refreshing to see a female artist who is not only a great singer, but also can perform without being half naked. She is also so far from the standard stereotype of the Balkan female ideal; not skinny, no silicon boobes, no blow dried long hair and heavy make-up, no miniskirt and no high heals (ok, she might have brought five choir girls to make up for that, but anyway...).
I really do not care whether she is a lesbian or not, but if she is, I think that is an even greater progress for Serbia, considered the general attitudes towards homosexuals in the macho country Serbia. The ESC has for quite some time been regarded as a rather gay-event, but it has been a predominantly male gay event, so it is about time that the lesbians also get their share of the attention!

The absolute contrast was the Moldovan contribution. It felt so taste-less, tacky and cheep that the country mostly known for trafficking of young women would send a young girl dressed as a really cheep porn-star. Bad, bad, bad!!

So, maybe we should have a re-union in Belgrade next year and enjoy the show!?! :-)

The bad blogger

My blog is really just for me and my friends (although anyone is welcome to read it!). I think it continues the way it started, as a mean for me to keep my friends far away updated on my whereabouts.
As a result of this I don’t bother too much about blogging as a phenomenon and don’t expect to get many visitors, and honestly, I am not really that interested in blogging as such. Nevertheless I found myself surfing one of those sites listing blogs and reading the statistics of the most popular Swedish blogs and also reading some of them. That made me really realise that I am not a typical blogger and will probably never have a very frequently visited blog. The area I would be most interested in reading about, travels, ended at the very bottom of the list, only blogs about science and economy had less visitors. The most popular blogs were all about celebrity gossip, fashion, shopping, entertainment or sex, and quite a few personal ones about family and children, i.e. not the topics I write most about.

Still it is a very broad spectre of things that people write about and the quality also vary a lot. I feel rather comfortable with not having too many visitors. Knowing that there are a lot of people out there that I don’t know reading what I write would make me feel insufficient. But I am very happy that there are some who still read it and I would actually love to have more comments on my blog!

Calming my environmental conscience

Right now I feel there is a huge boom for questions about our environment and especially the climate. Everyday there are new articles about it in the papers, reports on TV and radio and even media that normally don’t deal with these matters do now. It is very political correct. Of course there are many reasons why this happen now, the latest UN-report about the climate change is only one and probably less influential than Al Gore’s film.

Of course it is great that people start to become aware and care about this and I really like the focus on what everyone can do in your normal everyday life and also the focus on that it really matters what you do about it. But still I worry about the effect. Sometimes these things just seem to be a trend or maybe even a fashion and after a while people forget and go back to life as before. There is also a risk that when there is too much talk about it, people tend to get frustrated, feel hopeless or get fed up with it. I must admit I do to some part belong to this second group. I like to see myself as a fairly environmentally aware person and I try to act accordingly, but now I have the feeling that no matter what I do it is not enough.

I believe my worst environmental crime is the way I travel. I love to travel and I do it a lot, both privately and professionally and my international travel is mostly by plane. I find this hard to change and I can not say I would appreciate an increase of the price for flying, especially as I don’t feel sure about what this “extra tax” really will be used for. Somehow I don’t see the connection how the climate automatically will benefit from increased costs for flying, unless you increase the price that much that hardly anyone can afford it anymore. Therefore I have come up with my own idea. I am not saying it is the best and for sure it is not sufficient, but still I kind of like it. I have been thinking about that for every time I fly somewhere I could also donate some money to some environmental organization working with plantation of trees. I know there are mixed opinions and it might not be enough and it will take time for the trees to grow etc etc, but at least it feels as a straight connection, and until anyone comes up with something better that is what I will do, if only to calm my bad conscience. Anyone who would like to join me?

Here is an interesting link, unfortunately only in Swedish: http://klimatfakta.com/2007/03/12/vilken-nytta-gor-koldioxidkompensation-genom-tradplantering/

Feeling cultural

Although I read a lot, like to listen to music, occasionally visits museums, go to the theatre or the opera, love to watch movies and even hang around at film festivals I don’t watch culture programmes on TV or read the culture pages in the news paper. The reason? They make me feel stupid. They always talk about some artist/writer/musician that I have never heard of and most irritating is that they use a kind of language that gets on my nerves. I believe I am quite well educated and the culture I consume is not the average main stream, but still I feel so left out of these discussions and I feel that these journalists don’t care about weather people are interested in what they are talking about or not; their sole interest is to show off and try to impress or outsmart each other.

So therefore it was a very fascinating and new experience for me yesterday when I watched the programme Kobra on Swedish TV. The reason I watched it in the first place was that I had seen a trailer for the show and heard that they would talk with the author of the book I am just now reading, I like the book a lot and looked forward to hear more about the author. The book is called Wizard of the Crow by the Kenyan author Ngugi Wa Thiong’o and I can highly recommend it. It is about life in a fictitious African country run by a dictator and is describing the absurdity of life under these circumstances, very interesting. For me the country is Zimbabwe, but I guess it could have been any African dictatorship.

Anyhow, I felt very cultural because I had read a book they were talking about on TV! And when they read parts of the book on TV I felt even smarter, as I did not read the Swedish translation! Ok, I did not read it in the original language either, as my Gikuyu is not so great, but at least the English translation is made by the author himself.

Cleaning out my closet II

Well, people have been making fun of me because of my inability to throw away my old clothes. I don’t know if this is going to make things worse or better, but I am a bit proud of my self anyway.
As I count on moving soon again I thought it might be a good idea to go through all the cardboard boxes I have with stuff before I move them to a new location. I started with the stuff that has been standing at my parents’ place since I left Gothenburg, now almost ten years ago. Wow, how many old books and papers and note books from university time!! Amazing!!! Have I read these books!?!! Did I make these notes?!?! Have I written these papers and exams??!?! Damn, I got a good note on this!! And now I don’t remember anything!!

I decided to throw it all away! If I would ever need the knowledge I will most certainly have to start all over again anyway! But I suppose that’s what they say; education is what you have left once you forgot what you have learned!

Stress behaviour

This time when I haven’t been working and been living a somewhat other kind of life I have been thinking quite a lot about stress and how it affects people. I would normally say I can handle stress pretty well and that it does not affect me, but it has been very interesting to be in this position were I have been so completely un-stressed and able to see how it affects other people. I can see how my friends and family are affected even though they might not be aware of it themselves. I can see that people around me act strangely because they are stressed but I also see how much better I can handle stressed people when I am in this situation myself. If I had been living my normal life, I am not sure I would have realised, but most probably just would have been irritated because of their irrational behaviour. I hope I will be able to bring this new experience and knowledge with me when I start working again. This period has really been so good and useful and I have learnt so much! I am pretty sure I will soon start working again and although I still don’t even know in what part of the world, which says quite a lot about what a weird life I live, I hope I will be able to take this experience with me.

Of course this not knowing where and when you will have to move again is also causing a sort of stress. Yesterday i.e. I went into town to see a friend. Before seeing her I made some errands and then while waiting for here I started wondering; didn’t I have a plastic bag with a pair of shoes?! And where is that now? Yes I did, but after I picked them up at the shoemaker I went to the pharmacy and obviously left them there! Today I went to the supermarket especially to buy lime, while there I also bought some other things, at home I realised I must have forgot the lime at the counter. After I paid for it. This absent-mindedness is so typical stress behaviour.

Horses

Some of my friends seem to wonder what I do all day when I don't work. To explain that a bit better I will introduce some of the friends I have been seeing when I don't see you, my human, urban friends.

Here I am riding Pepperon.

This is Pepperon







Here is Graffe.



Let me introduce Zillah.

























Here is the great Dacke! The one I ride most of the time. So nice and kind.

And here is Uno, unfortunately he is not the most clever horse.

The young ones.

A Star is Born!

Just came back in from the stables. My sister's horse just gave birth to the sweetest little foal. It is just so cute with its big head and long matchstick legs and it is absolutely fascinating just to watch. It is the first foal being born here that I can remember, and I am absolutely thrilled. Especially as I consider this foal mine. Once upon a time, a long time ago, when my pony was sold, my sister promised me: "don't worry, we will buy you a new horse!". I still haven't seen that horse, so hence this foal must be mine! My sister does not agree!


Look at this little beauty and his proud mother, Florence!! Here he is only about twelwe hours old.

Word of the day.

Be careful with what you whish!
It might come true.

Too much, but nothing to tell..

It is funny how you think you have made a decision and then, by coincidence, you get information that changes everything. The last couple of days so many things have happened and still it feels as if nothing happens, but somehow it seems the bloody ketchup bottle just exploded and I am too confused to tell anything about it... I think I will have to take a blog pause.

Sense or sensibility

I seem to be tending towards the more sensible and adult alternative. To chose the nice job in the shitty town. But I really feel deep agony and anxiety. I might be mad, but I am seriously so much more afraid of moving to this small, prosperous, extremely safe and secure town in middle south Sweden, than to the capital of one of the most corrupt and criminal countries of the world. What to do? What's wrong with me??